new beggining

i realise after being able to talk to a few peopl openly about my situation, a few things. i should not be talking to cherie at all. i've been wrong to ask for help from someone i think dearly off, simply because she does not love me in that way and cannot provide her support, because she has to deal with it in her own way.

blinded by my overwhelmness of my situation, i went straight to her thinking that she may help me out of this predicament. the right to talk to someone, is reserve not by you as a person reaching out to another, its one where the other person gives. finally understand now. sure i hope for a better future, but thinking and sitting arnd, quoting myself on the things i've said before has made me realise a few mistakes in my relationship, what cld i have done better and more of what i lacked mostly.

i was use to the idea that i cld be open with her, but as time passed and misunderstandings grew from just surface high to skin deep. i realise that i did not address anything i felt towards her in the past few mths. i always took the idea that asking her abt how i feel to be offensive towards her. My mistake really, and it lead to a whole bunch of communication break downs. maybe i should have handled it better, but this may sound mean, it takes two to clap and that cannot be the only reason why this relationship has failed.

another thing i realised is that when it came to being responsible and ready for a commitment, i did not see sacrifices that were willing. one instance displayed it really well, i think she and a friend wanted to go out and drink. I had work to do that day and i was already not feeling well, (low and behold i didn't tell her i wasn't feeling well) i insisted that she hv some fun. only to cost me $230 of dry cleaning in my car, because she had a little "accident" in it. sacrifices shld be made willingly, and unasked. i see now where it was already headed. ready to take a plunge with someone is one that need no explainations and the want to spend time with the person. some people cld see it, but i was too blind to see it. she was not ready for graduating, not was she ready to settle down with someone like me. it seems a little clearer, of course all this is from my side of the story, and i CANNOT assume she was thinking of it in this way.

don't get me wrong, i appreciate her very much. she was always there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on (which ppl who know me well enough know, i CRY ALOT) hahaha! set backs of knowing a particular jachin tan. she admits to mistakes of mine, when its not hers. especially when i'm overly high strung, or overly emotional or worse oversensitive towards things. it was the most amazing quality of hers again. to be able to put my emotions first, instead of hers. i hope i am as lucky as to meet someone like that in my future. its not everyday u meet someone who can connect with you on that level which u can honestly cherish.

so yes, the great news is that i am able to count on people once again. it took unkindly words and effort on her part to push me in that direction. but i say it was just one of her ways of working things out. i still want her as a friend, but she needs to get over things in her own time. or maybe realise the things she's already done to me may have been blown out of proportion, or misunderstood. i urge you of course, cherie. to look deeper and try to understand what i was going through that weekend. some stuff may not be true abt rumours and such. i was a fool to believe ppl, but more circumstances showed me otherwise till i cld actually hear it from culprit himself. so many things left unsaid, so many things left unresolved. i just hope, this time u take will help u reflect or neglect what's important to you eventually. i cherish u alot still through the bickering and harsh words and what more. but mostly, i know that u're not the sort of person u've displayed so far. i know cherie so much more than that. and not giving you the required space i guess was my mistake. and is STILL my mistake. i will not tell the rest of the world, what happened that lead me up to such an overemotional state, and i'm sure u've heard it enough from me, to realise something, even though u do not remember anything.

i just wish one day, not too long in the future, we can settle this and either talk abt it, or be what they call a silent breakup. one that cuts off all ties and friendship and ends up being misunderstood all arnd. i just hope that never happens. but i understand this, its entirely your choice and u already know my intention to talk to you. i count the days, one by one and hopefully i'll be able to see a brighter future with or without u. its one that i know, mistakes have been made, and its either i learn from it and fix it, or learn from it and find myself one who appreciates me for who i am. its not gonna be easy, nothing is easy in life i guess. but its one i have to learn and move forward from.

if anyone else is reading this, please understand that this is what i think. its not what cherie thinks. because what she thinks is for her to know and not for me to find out till she deems it a gift for me or maybe my right to. but still its still her thoughts and i cannot reflect any of hers in what i write, because that wld be assumption and i am scared to do so. there's a difference between me writing this and she reading and understanding it. so here goes, jachin's left in australia to conquer whatever he can do left without his significant other. without any thing more than himself. miss you malie and angel. my poor kids who had to have live this out so soon after being brought into this world. i really do.

why do u have to be so cold

i know i've done wrong. i know i screwed up. but must u really punish me this way? i can think of myself only at the moment, because u reveal nothing to me. i only asked why they have to come to me, and you say why should i know? its just a question but one that u've turned it against me.

stop hurting me already. stop it. i cannot take this anymore, the scars run deeper and deeper each day. do i deserve this? why is it so that when u give everything to a person, you're bound to be hurt by that one person? has god forsaken me for all the wrong i've done? is he that unjust? u've taken my dignity, my being and what's left of my pride and thrown it out the window, i cannot exist as a person nor function as one.

i care because i am weak, i love because i am weak. u're too strong for that to do either. its a painful painful world out there, u've opened my eyes and stop sheltering me. u've become the one person in my life, that i do not recognise. i've lost my girlfriend, my bestfriend and my lover all in one blow. worst, i've lost someone i trust entirely, i was a fool for giving up what i love for whom i love. a fool to believe that i cld make a better life for you and for me. a fool to believe that u cld be earnest with your feelings. i shld have listened to u the first time u broke my heart, i shld have said No to u. but i fell in love all over again with you and now look where i am now. look what i've become. look what i have left. i am truely nothing once again. left here to rot and be unappreciated for being me. silly silly jachin, u truely are a fool to have believed that she was the one person who u end up with for the rest of your life. U truely are a fool.

questions in mind

someone said to me today the wisest thing in the world. the wat into a woman's heart is to ask her what she wants and do everything you can to give it to her. even if its space. i don't know whether that applies to everyone though. i just hope it does.

struggling today..... mind going crazy thinking. i guess i have to stop it. i'm vulnerable now to panic attacks and being jealous over what i don't know. prone shld be the word. i guess giving space to someone is much harder than i thought it is. hard to suddenly change from knowing the person's every waking move, to not knowing anything at all. why do humans want so much knowledge. its a curse, leaves u going in circles and leaves u tired from thinking.

Cooking and baking have become my two favourite hobbies, poor daddy's credit card. its getting a bashing because i have the urge to cook and bake now. it tires my body physically. which i guess is a good thing. tomorrow i shall try to pump my body with endorphines, maybe work out a little and kill myself on the threadmill or do some weights till i entirely expire. i was here abt one and a half years back. here i am again, lonely, thinking, wondering, hoping and most of all in pain of knowing there's nothing to look forward to. Plans, all crushed by one simple action. how i wish it was otherwise, how i wish for something better.

dealing

i guess after being so upset for this week. i realise the gravity of the situation. i would have to say bye to a loved one. i guess time has to stand and see someone walk away from you. its not a profound assent but it's lefe me with a few things for me to think about. and in this surprising short time, i'm sort of glad this happened.

Living in someone's shadow and not being independant is the worse thing you can do. its been long enough that i seeked only her approval and not one of my family and my friends. sure everyone may not agree with me. but a bigger poll is better than a single poll. opinions are best when shared and collectively assessed. I was kinda of silly to think that one person could bare the weight of another. In so many books you read that u're wife is suppose to be your bestfriend, your lover and your soulmate. i have experienced enough now, that i've come to realise your wife can only be one of two. either your lover and your bestfriend, your bestfriend and your soulmate, or your lover and your soulmate. u truely cannot have all three put into one, you would like to postulate that. but i'm quite sure now, i'm a little wiser in the situation.

certain self realisations have come to hand. I'm a hot tempered, over sensitive and stubborn boy, and due to this combination of "talents" i become an irrational and insensitive person. never use to think that, maybe time has moulded me into someone like that due to notoriety and neglect of family values and/or better influences to start with. we cannot, because of one self blame another party because all the decisions you make in life, are based solely on your ownself. therefore, there's no reason for me to blame this on anyone else but me. but i assure you that its not gonna happen again, sure i may falter from the original idea, but i have to put a concious check on myself to make sure i can be better for my friends, loved ones and my family. i'm sad that i didn't realise this earlier. i guess its part of growing up.

long dreary and self proclaiming thoughts are filled here in my blog. so much unsaid stuff when i was with my partner, i've come to realise that if i cld be normal, maybe i wouldn't need this outlet, sadly, i tell people stuff but not enough usually to draw your own conclusions. you can call me half an architect if you want. but that is my talent, to make u think of me instead of you. its a selfish skill, truely it shld be bound from my existence. but i've come to realise that someone will appreciate me for who i am. and i have nothing to worry about, because she'll eventually want to know what's in my head and i wouldn't have to build wall after wall of secrets to protect myself eventually when i break up, because first and foremost in a relationship comes the simplicity of trust. One bit in the other and one bit for the relationship. is it so hard to believe?

i guess all i've been saying is that someone will appreciate me for who i am. i just wished i cld have made it clearer to my partner back then, instead of changing for her, i shld have tried to make her accept me for who i am. change shld come only when both parties are willing to come to common grd. not when one decides to change because of another. somehow, i think i lost part of who i really was while trying to do that and instead of changing into someone i wanted to be to her, i became someone entirely different b'cos it wasn't who i was and dealing w that bit just simply destroyed me in the end.

don't get me wrong, i'm still upset at the whole situation. i'm flustered with nihilism. but there still lies a guy who wld rather much be back with his exgirlfriend. because to me, she already was the one, but what i did to myself was inexcusable and horrid. i guess i have to wait and see, but one from such a distance that her smooth warm touch will be no where to be seen, but instead a sheet of clear kavela seperates us. i do hope my love will come back one day again, for hers is one of beauty, warmth and tenderness, one which i trusted the most in my entire life to share secrets beyond all my boundaries. But for now, jachin's realise what normality means and can finally enjoy this by himself.

suicide methods, with the drawbacks of each:

Slitting your wrists
This one simply doesn't work. I've never, ever heard of a person successfully killing himself this way. It's extremely painful and by the time you get to doing the second cut the sight of your own blood spurting everywhere sends upalarm bells that you find yourself desperately dailing for an ambulance while splattering plasma all over the phone. It's the ultimate in self-aware suicide in that not only can you see yourself dying in vivid splashes of red, but you can feel it. i personally cannot do it.

Shooting yourself
Contrary to popular belief, shooting yourself - even with a shotgun - is not a surefire way to die. i mean seriously, u can miss. More than half of the attempted gun suicides wake up in the hospital, missing a chunk of their brain and usually mute and wheelchair-bound for the rest of their lives.

Overdose
People think one is the most painless, taking dozens of pain pills or whatever, but your body tends to wait until you're unconscious and then vomits them back up. This leaves you alive, sleeping in a puddle of puke, next to your suicide note which, absent a corresponding suicide, will just sound gay. Obviously not the way to go.

Hanging
What often happens is the neck is broken and you're left to dangle for 30 minutes, twitching and clawing at the rope. Or, the noose breaks and you plunge to the floor, often with a severed upper spinal cord that leaves you a paraplegic. This is the last way I would ever try to do it.

Throwing yourself in front of a speeding train or car
Obviously this is the worst possible method, as it forces someone else to commit murder against their will. something like out of the movie SAW, i mean seriously its SICK way to kill urself and u leave a guy with the poor charge of manslaughter.

jumping out of a building
God, perth is so damn short. and even if i drop head first what if i don't die and become a parplegic. or retarded and then someone has to look after me. or worse, land on someone and then i survive and kill that person.

shit, i can't think of anything else. God damn it! Italian author Dante Alighieri, who 700 years ago took a trip through Hell and then wrote an unreadable book about it. i mean this is a true account of hell frm a catholic's perspective, i mean seriously...... its no shit..... the lowest is the guy/s who had jesus killed(NO QUESTIONS THERE), murders, liars & backstabbers and then suicide. its way fucked up.

somehow i don't think i have to guts to do it still. i hope never.

can't take it anymore

have u ever wondered why the cosmos are so unfair to u. I can't believe it. i just cannot believe it. its like they say, how low can this world be. seriously speaking. can someone tell me why when u hear bad news, u have to be part of that bad news eventually? i can't freaking believe it. and after u become bad news. there's more shit to it. and it gathers up like a lump of shit.

look into ur toilet bowl when u take a crap....... that pile of disgusting brown/beige/greenish stuff? that's me right now. and no matter what u do it? its still shit, u cannot recycle it, or make any use of it. sure there's butane to be processed and can be one day use as fuel. but seriously speaking, its just shit. its gross and lumpy and eeky. no one wants anything to do with it. it can't tell u what it feels like to be shit. it simply is. i wait for one day where they can actually use shit to be a biofuel, a proper one. maybe then. they can make some good out of bad news.

bad things happen to people, i get it. doesn't matter if u're a good person, or a bad person. its bad is just bad. it transcends race, gender, wealth, nationality and etc. u can't get out of it because we live in the moment. it just happens. i guess they weren't kidding when they say when shit happens, it happens....... and it gets worse. something like when shit hits the fan. i can't bloody believe it. this world seriously hates me for all the wrong i'm doing or something.

i just wish someone knew me well enough. anybody. maybe one day one day, someone can actually ask me what's wrong with me and make me open up to them. till that day, i wish all this wld blow away and the earth cld swallow me up n so i can't THINK for a moment.

Credence

have u ever in ur life thought that its time to share something that turns out to be everything with a person? i have but time and time again, i make the same stupid mistake. why open up to a person and be vulnerable at all? why bother falling in love? why? it a stupid silly mistake.

i made that stupid mistake enough times, and this time. i've learnt that they can promise u the world and so much more, but lies are lies and a better future is just a sham. I hate it i absolutely hate it, trusting a person enough to fall for them. thank u for the lesson, when there is emotion or an opening, people will hurt u. People take into account that their own feelings are more important than others. and we never recover frm it. NEVER.

i did it once with my ex, i did it again. and look where i've ended up. I hate it. i hate the one who started turning me into someone this vial, and till today the seed of poison runs through my veins. i shld have stopped when i was 15. she never hurt me, she ended it without doing so, but she's the one person who never hurt me at all. Regret and regress i guess. so jachin, just crawl into ur stupid hole and realise that u're going to never be able to have credence within another person.

facades

when u love some one, when do u say enough is enough? the only answer is never, for when u love someone, u make peace and try at it. well i got HELL bad news for YOU! Love is conditional, that's the bottom line. Its got limits. God lied to me! he did! be-attitudes, that they preach? ALL a Lie! they say faith gives us hope. well, faith isn't powerful enough and hope just kills! ( i got that frm someone). basically, i've lived this whole life in a facade.

I've been taught and i've learnt all these things For NOTHING! it feels like i've been betrayed by my own moral aptitudes. I get it if both parties are unwilling to fix it. i get it if there's someone else. i get it if someone's being entirely stubborn and totally a dickhead. then sure, there's no reason that love shld cover these things. after all, its the world that hates us, and not us hating the world.

Love is a torment i've felt now. after so many obsticles, i've fought through, aft so many issues, its all just a facade. For Love cannot be accompanied by faith nor hope. its under conditional circumstances. I hate u, he who defined the word love. For that powerful word like love, has its limitations.

Lament

to lament is the inarguable feeling of morning, feel or express sorrow and the inevitable regret of it all.

i guess this one word explains all that i can feel right now. lamentation, if there is such a word. pretenses aside, i wish to be in the arms of warmth and true happiness. i've lost that to silly squables and irrevocable harm on another. like i said, to be left here wandering the world alone seems an awful awful place, will God grace me with this one more chance to make a better change in my life and the other's. time will tell, but time tears people apart too and voids can be filled. unless, true longing takes places for a unperturbable heart, yours truely. lament i shall, and maybe just maybe i can make it all better for u and for me.

a new start?

i know i said i wouldn't blog anymore.

How is it that we as people do not think before executing action? i really wonder why. i do not know what to do nor what to say when i get angry or upset at a person. All i want to do is leave immediately, especially when i try calmly to talk to a person properly. i just don't know how to control emotion? is this a real problem? one that needs psychiatric response? or is it because i just don't care about the person.

I sit here and wonder and think, ponder as u may say. the true meaning of exploding, i can only define it as an explosion of unrestricted capacity to cause bodily damage. I for one, do not want to cause bodily damage. but somehow, i think now, that its not that the bodily damage that affects me, its the emotional bit. Some may think of me as a softie, or someone oversensitive to things, but i cannot see otherwise. i wish i cld respond differently to emotion. i become a sad sob, crying and wailing and being ineffective when such anxiety hits.

i realise finally its not because i don't care abt the person, this person in particular, i love, i cherish, i want to share everything with that person. i can't say that its anything other than a pure longing for her attention that leads more than infatuation. this person, completes my being. i know it sounds cheesy, but when i'm with this person, i feel like nothing matters except her opinion on the matter, doesn't matter what a 100 people say, or even your beloved parents. what matters most is that she approves, is it that shocking to have known someone as special as that? i was graced with that inexplicable joy of knowing this person. yet, when i think now, i get upset because its all over. a foolish reation, one of disasterous proportion and amptitude larger than what holds onto the normal barrier. u stupid stupid boy, jachin. u stupid idiot.

how cld u throw away the one thing that still mattered to u? u've done it again. turn something pure into something no different than a disaster. i just wish and pray and pray that u can fix this one day. this person knows what she wants and when a mind is made up, i'm quite sure it takes nothing short of a miracle to change things.

therefore, the one i call God has to take control of this. because, i myself cannot turn the tide here, its too big for my own destiny to decide. its one that hope kills with and people get discourage. i pray and pray night and night till the day i can truely redeem myself to this person and then maybe, just maybe i can have a fresh new start and make this one person that matters most to me, FINALLY HAPPY. its like my dad always says, u can never change the past, but u can build a better future, i just hope it doesn't only apply to school and results.