dealing
i guess after being so upset for this week. i realise the gravity of the situation. i would have to say bye to a loved one. i guess time has to stand and see someone walk away from you. its not a profound assent but it's lefe me with a few things for me to think about. and in this surprising short time, i'm sort of glad this happened.
Living in someone's shadow and not being independant is the worse thing you can do. its been long enough that i seeked only her approval and not one of my family and my friends. sure everyone may not agree with me. but a bigger poll is better than a single poll. opinions are best when shared and collectively assessed. I was kinda of silly to think that one person could bare the weight of another. In so many books you read that u're wife is suppose to be your bestfriend, your lover and your soulmate. i have experienced enough now, that i've come to realise your wife can only be one of two. either your lover and your bestfriend, your bestfriend and your soulmate, or your lover and your soulmate. u truely cannot have all three put into one, you would like to postulate that. but i'm quite sure now, i'm a little wiser in the situation.
certain self realisations have come to hand. I'm a hot tempered, over sensitive and stubborn boy, and due to this combination of "talents" i become an irrational and insensitive person. never use to think that, maybe time has moulded me into someone like that due to notoriety and neglect of family values and/or better influences to start with. we cannot, because of one self blame another party because all the decisions you make in life, are based solely on your ownself. therefore, there's no reason for me to blame this on anyone else but me. but i assure you that its not gonna happen again, sure i may falter from the original idea, but i have to put a concious check on myself to make sure i can be better for my friends, loved ones and my family. i'm sad that i didn't realise this earlier. i guess its part of growing up.
long dreary and self proclaiming thoughts are filled here in my blog. so much unsaid stuff when i was with my partner, i've come to realise that if i cld be normal, maybe i wouldn't need this outlet, sadly, i tell people stuff but not enough usually to draw your own conclusions. you can call me half an architect if you want. but that is my talent, to make u think of me instead of you. its a selfish skill, truely it shld be bound from my existence. but i've come to realise that someone will appreciate me for who i am. and i have nothing to worry about, because she'll eventually want to know what's in my head and i wouldn't have to build wall after wall of secrets to protect myself eventually when i break up, because first and foremost in a relationship comes the simplicity of trust. One bit in the other and one bit for the relationship. is it so hard to believe?
i guess all i've been saying is that someone will appreciate me for who i am. i just wished i cld have made it clearer to my partner back then, instead of changing for her, i shld have tried to make her accept me for who i am. change shld come only when both parties are willing to come to common grd. not when one decides to change because of another. somehow, i think i lost part of who i really was while trying to do that and instead of changing into someone i wanted to be to her, i became someone entirely different b'cos it wasn't who i was and dealing w that bit just simply destroyed me in the end.
don't get me wrong, i'm still upset at the whole situation. i'm flustered with nihilism. but there still lies a guy who wld rather much be back with his exgirlfriend. because to me, she already was the one, but what i did to myself was inexcusable and horrid. i guess i have to wait and see, but one from such a distance that her smooth warm touch will be no where to be seen, but instead a sheet of clear kavela seperates us. i do hope my love will come back one day again, for hers is one of beauty, warmth and tenderness, one which i trusted the most in my entire life to share secrets beyond all my boundaries. But for now, jachin's realise what normality means and can finally enjoy this by himself.
Living in someone's shadow and not being independant is the worse thing you can do. its been long enough that i seeked only her approval and not one of my family and my friends. sure everyone may not agree with me. but a bigger poll is better than a single poll. opinions are best when shared and collectively assessed. I was kinda of silly to think that one person could bare the weight of another. In so many books you read that u're wife is suppose to be your bestfriend, your lover and your soulmate. i have experienced enough now, that i've come to realise your wife can only be one of two. either your lover and your bestfriend, your bestfriend and your soulmate, or your lover and your soulmate. u truely cannot have all three put into one, you would like to postulate that. but i'm quite sure now, i'm a little wiser in the situation.
certain self realisations have come to hand. I'm a hot tempered, over sensitive and stubborn boy, and due to this combination of "talents" i become an irrational and insensitive person. never use to think that, maybe time has moulded me into someone like that due to notoriety and neglect of family values and/or better influences to start with. we cannot, because of one self blame another party because all the decisions you make in life, are based solely on your ownself. therefore, there's no reason for me to blame this on anyone else but me. but i assure you that its not gonna happen again, sure i may falter from the original idea, but i have to put a concious check on myself to make sure i can be better for my friends, loved ones and my family. i'm sad that i didn't realise this earlier. i guess its part of growing up.
long dreary and self proclaiming thoughts are filled here in my blog. so much unsaid stuff when i was with my partner, i've come to realise that if i cld be normal, maybe i wouldn't need this outlet, sadly, i tell people stuff but not enough usually to draw your own conclusions. you can call me half an architect if you want. but that is my talent, to make u think of me instead of you. its a selfish skill, truely it shld be bound from my existence. but i've come to realise that someone will appreciate me for who i am. and i have nothing to worry about, because she'll eventually want to know what's in my head and i wouldn't have to build wall after wall of secrets to protect myself eventually when i break up, because first and foremost in a relationship comes the simplicity of trust. One bit in the other and one bit for the relationship. is it so hard to believe?
i guess all i've been saying is that someone will appreciate me for who i am. i just wished i cld have made it clearer to my partner back then, instead of changing for her, i shld have tried to make her accept me for who i am. change shld come only when both parties are willing to come to common grd. not when one decides to change because of another. somehow, i think i lost part of who i really was while trying to do that and instead of changing into someone i wanted to be to her, i became someone entirely different b'cos it wasn't who i was and dealing w that bit just simply destroyed me in the end.
don't get me wrong, i'm still upset at the whole situation. i'm flustered with nihilism. but there still lies a guy who wld rather much be back with his exgirlfriend. because to me, she already was the one, but what i did to myself was inexcusable and horrid. i guess i have to wait and see, but one from such a distance that her smooth warm touch will be no where to be seen, but instead a sheet of clear kavela seperates us. i do hope my love will come back one day again, for hers is one of beauty, warmth and tenderness, one which i trusted the most in my entire life to share secrets beyond all my boundaries. But for now, jachin's realise what normality means and can finally enjoy this by himself.
posted by UBERMAN! at 11:09 AM
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