new beggining
i realise after being able to talk to a few peopl openly about my situation, a few things. i should not be talking to cherie at all. i've been wrong to ask for help from someone i think dearly off, simply because she does not love me in that way and cannot provide her support, because she has to deal with it in her own way.
blinded by my overwhelmness of my situation, i went straight to her thinking that she may help me out of this predicament. the right to talk to someone, is reserve not by you as a person reaching out to another, its one where the other person gives. finally understand now. sure i hope for a better future, but thinking and sitting arnd, quoting myself on the things i've said before has made me realise a few mistakes in my relationship, what cld i have done better and more of what i lacked mostly.
i was use to the idea that i cld be open with her, but as time passed and misunderstandings grew from just surface high to skin deep. i realise that i did not address anything i felt towards her in the past few mths. i always took the idea that asking her abt how i feel to be offensive towards her. My mistake really, and it lead to a whole bunch of communication break downs. maybe i should have handled it better, but this may sound mean, it takes two to clap and that cannot be the only reason why this relationship has failed.
another thing i realised is that when it came to being responsible and ready for a commitment, i did not see sacrifices that were willing. one instance displayed it really well, i think she and a friend wanted to go out and drink. I had work to do that day and i was already not feeling well, (low and behold i didn't tell her i wasn't feeling well) i insisted that she hv some fun. only to cost me $230 of dry cleaning in my car, because she had a little "accident" in it. sacrifices shld be made willingly, and unasked. i see now where it was already headed. ready to take a plunge with someone is one that need no explainations and the want to spend time with the person. some people cld see it, but i was too blind to see it. she was not ready for graduating, not was she ready to settle down with someone like me. it seems a little clearer, of course all this is from my side of the story, and i CANNOT assume she was thinking of it in this way.
don't get me wrong, i appreciate her very much. she was always there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on (which ppl who know me well enough know, i CRY ALOT) hahaha! set backs of knowing a particular jachin tan. she admits to mistakes of mine, when its not hers. especially when i'm overly high strung, or overly emotional or worse oversensitive towards things. it was the most amazing quality of hers again. to be able to put my emotions first, instead of hers. i hope i am as lucky as to meet someone like that in my future. its not everyday u meet someone who can connect with you on that level which u can honestly cherish.
so yes, the great news is that i am able to count on people once again. it took unkindly words and effort on her part to push me in that direction. but i say it was just one of her ways of working things out. i still want her as a friend, but she needs to get over things in her own time. or maybe realise the things she's already done to me may have been blown out of proportion, or misunderstood. i urge you of course, cherie. to look deeper and try to understand what i was going through that weekend. some stuff may not be true abt rumours and such. i was a fool to believe ppl, but more circumstances showed me otherwise till i cld actually hear it from culprit himself. so many things left unsaid, so many things left unresolved. i just hope, this time u take will help u reflect or neglect what's important to you eventually. i cherish u alot still through the bickering and harsh words and what more. but mostly, i know that u're not the sort of person u've displayed so far. i know cherie so much more than that. and not giving you the required space i guess was my mistake. and is STILL my mistake. i will not tell the rest of the world, what happened that lead me up to such an overemotional state, and i'm sure u've heard it enough from me, to realise something, even though u do not remember anything.
i just wish one day, not too long in the future, we can settle this and either talk abt it, or be what they call a silent breakup. one that cuts off all ties and friendship and ends up being misunderstood all arnd. i just hope that never happens. but i understand this, its entirely your choice and u already know my intention to talk to you. i count the days, one by one and hopefully i'll be able to see a brighter future with or without u. its one that i know, mistakes have been made, and its either i learn from it and fix it, or learn from it and find myself one who appreciates me for who i am. its not gonna be easy, nothing is easy in life i guess. but its one i have to learn and move forward from.
if anyone else is reading this, please understand that this is what i think. its not what cherie thinks. because what she thinks is for her to know and not for me to find out till she deems it a gift for me or maybe my right to. but still its still her thoughts and i cannot reflect any of hers in what i write, because that wld be assumption and i am scared to do so. there's a difference between me writing this and she reading and understanding it. so here goes, jachin's left in australia to conquer whatever he can do left without his significant other. without any thing more than himself. miss you malie and angel. my poor kids who had to have live this out so soon after being brought into this world. i really do.
blinded by my overwhelmness of my situation, i went straight to her thinking that she may help me out of this predicament. the right to talk to someone, is reserve not by you as a person reaching out to another, its one where the other person gives. finally understand now. sure i hope for a better future, but thinking and sitting arnd, quoting myself on the things i've said before has made me realise a few mistakes in my relationship, what cld i have done better and more of what i lacked mostly.
i was use to the idea that i cld be open with her, but as time passed and misunderstandings grew from just surface high to skin deep. i realise that i did not address anything i felt towards her in the past few mths. i always took the idea that asking her abt how i feel to be offensive towards her. My mistake really, and it lead to a whole bunch of communication break downs. maybe i should have handled it better, but this may sound mean, it takes two to clap and that cannot be the only reason why this relationship has failed.
another thing i realised is that when it came to being responsible and ready for a commitment, i did not see sacrifices that were willing. one instance displayed it really well, i think she and a friend wanted to go out and drink. I had work to do that day and i was already not feeling well, (low and behold i didn't tell her i wasn't feeling well) i insisted that she hv some fun. only to cost me $230 of dry cleaning in my car, because she had a little "accident" in it. sacrifices shld be made willingly, and unasked. i see now where it was already headed. ready to take a plunge with someone is one that need no explainations and the want to spend time with the person. some people cld see it, but i was too blind to see it. she was not ready for graduating, not was she ready to settle down with someone like me. it seems a little clearer, of course all this is from my side of the story, and i CANNOT assume she was thinking of it in this way.
don't get me wrong, i appreciate her very much. she was always there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on (which ppl who know me well enough know, i CRY ALOT) hahaha! set backs of knowing a particular jachin tan. she admits to mistakes of mine, when its not hers. especially when i'm overly high strung, or overly emotional or worse oversensitive towards things. it was the most amazing quality of hers again. to be able to put my emotions first, instead of hers. i hope i am as lucky as to meet someone like that in my future. its not everyday u meet someone who can connect with you on that level which u can honestly cherish.
so yes, the great news is that i am able to count on people once again. it took unkindly words and effort on her part to push me in that direction. but i say it was just one of her ways of working things out. i still want her as a friend, but she needs to get over things in her own time. or maybe realise the things she's already done to me may have been blown out of proportion, or misunderstood. i urge you of course, cherie. to look deeper and try to understand what i was going through that weekend. some stuff may not be true abt rumours and such. i was a fool to believe ppl, but more circumstances showed me otherwise till i cld actually hear it from culprit himself. so many things left unsaid, so many things left unresolved. i just hope, this time u take will help u reflect or neglect what's important to you eventually. i cherish u alot still through the bickering and harsh words and what more. but mostly, i know that u're not the sort of person u've displayed so far. i know cherie so much more than that. and not giving you the required space i guess was my mistake. and is STILL my mistake. i will not tell the rest of the world, what happened that lead me up to such an overemotional state, and i'm sure u've heard it enough from me, to realise something, even though u do not remember anything.
i just wish one day, not too long in the future, we can settle this and either talk abt it, or be what they call a silent breakup. one that cuts off all ties and friendship and ends up being misunderstood all arnd. i just hope that never happens. but i understand this, its entirely your choice and u already know my intention to talk to you. i count the days, one by one and hopefully i'll be able to see a brighter future with or without u. its one that i know, mistakes have been made, and its either i learn from it and fix it, or learn from it and find myself one who appreciates me for who i am. its not gonna be easy, nothing is easy in life i guess. but its one i have to learn and move forward from.
if anyone else is reading this, please understand that this is what i think. its not what cherie thinks. because what she thinks is for her to know and not for me to find out till she deems it a gift for me or maybe my right to. but still its still her thoughts and i cannot reflect any of hers in what i write, because that wld be assumption and i am scared to do so. there's a difference between me writing this and she reading and understanding it. so here goes, jachin's left in australia to conquer whatever he can do left without his significant other. without any thing more than himself. miss you malie and angel. my poor kids who had to have live this out so soon after being brought into this world. i really do.
posted by UBERMAN! at 3:17 AM
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