Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A T O N M E N T

For as my conscience does accuse me, I aver that I am a criminal.

I sit here wondering for the last two weeks since i lasted contacted her, i wonder and keep wondering why i cannot have her forgiveness? is it because i have not been honest with her all this while? the lies that built up from simple white lies, not wanting to quarrel and cause further damage. I can tell you now, its all Wrong. Honesty is the best policy, and i cannot agree more and cannot stress more that what was wrong is that i was not honest. i cld use the excuse of a weak personality trait, or that i lacked self confidence in a conflict, or that i feared to lose her. But fact is You've already lost them, the moment you opened your big fat mouth to say that little white lie.

I was wrong to think that a little love, a little honesty, a little something, can make things better? when the clearest way to a person's heart was none other than being who you TRUELY are. and not what you're made out to be? Regret? Hell yeah, that's what i feel. Atonment does not come easy, one states that its the satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends. another version of it is Amends or reparation made for an injury or wrong; expiation. None of it is easy. but i've started a new life, one with footsteps and every step gets more painful and more painful. i walk away from the loved ones i once had, and i am trying to build this little fortress where i am single, and do not want to see anybody for awhile.

For before atonement can happen, i have to change myself from somewhat of a pathological liar when it comes to conflicts and difficult issues. or worse still, my ever famous, "don't even address the subject, and make it about you screwing up". it has to go. i've learnt it the hardway, and i am doing the best i can right now. somehow, at e end of the day? its just not enough.

for flesh is weak, and hope is murder. (goethe) but i believe in faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (paul) there's a slight difference. and let's see where that ends up. Atonement and forgiveness, two things people rarely give and rarely see.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

No One

Collapsing was much softer
Still falling always hurt
Only after sensing your love
For always ever burned

You justified my folly
My affluent disguise
Removed revealing nothing
Yet nothing unforgiven lies
Unforgiven lies

No one loves me like you
No one loves me the way you do
No one loves me like you
No one loves me the way, the way that you do

To touch the rose unfearful
Is to meet the thorn
And pierce the hearts emotion
And feel the emptiness no more
Emptiness no more

Took some time to realize Ive fallen

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Portrait of an apology

Look what Ive done, this picture Ive painted
It looks like my heart, or what still remains
Convinced of the weight, your interpretations
Are not what I see, I wish they could be
I remember it much redder
I remember it much brighter

Can you stay for a while, try to imagine this
Could you be for a while, I cant remember it
Could you fall for a while, I cant escape from this

Ill try to explain, the way that the frame
Doesnt quite fit the image, or surround the edge
It stands on display, what do you see?
Behold all the new grey, whats become of the old me
I remember it much redder
I remember it much brighter

Can you stay for a while, try to imagine this
Could you be for a while, I cant remember it
Could you fall for a while, I cant escape from this

Calling, crying, ashamed of what I am not
Really failing, falling into this cage
And I cant escape, I cant escape
Look what Ive done, this picture Ive painted
Doesnt quite fit,or surround the edge
I remember it much redder
I remember it much brighter

Can you stay for a while, try to imagine this
Could you be for a while, I cant remember it
Could you fall for a while, I cant escape from this
I cant escape, I cant escape, I cant escape

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Ta Douleur (Your Pain)

Lève toi c'est décidé
Get up you that is settled
Laisse-moi te remplacer
Leave me to replace you
Je vais prendre ta douleur
I will take your pain

Doucement sans faire de bruit
Gently without noise
Comme on réveille la pluie
As one awakened by rain
Je vais prendre ta douleur
I will take your pain

Elle lutte elle se débat
She fights and debates with herself
Mais ne résistera pas
But will not withstand trying again
Je vais bloquer l'ascenseur...
I will block the elevator
Saboter l'interrupteur
Sabotage the switch

Mais c'est qui cette incrustée
But this is inlaid(plan)
Cet orage avant l'été
This storm before the summer
Sale chipie de petite soeur ?
Dirty cow of small sister?(French insult)

Je vais tout lui confisquer
I will confiscate all from him
Ses fléchettes et son sifflet
his darts and his sifflet
Je vais lui donner la fessée...
I will give him spanking
La virer de la récrée
To turn it on him and recreate the pain

Mais c'est qui cette héritière
But this is their heiress
Qui se baigne qui se terre
Who itself bathes that itself in earth
Dans l'eau tiède de tes reins ?
In the tepid water of your kidneys?

Je vais la priver de dessert
I will deprive it of dessert
Lui faire mordre la poussière
Let him bite dust
De tous ceux qui n'ont plus rien...
for all those that no longer have nothing
De tous ceux qui n'ont plus faim
for all those that no longer have hunger

Dites moi que fout la science
Say me that screws the science
A quand ce pont entre nos panses ?
To when this bridge between our lives
Si tu as mal là où t'as peur
If you are bad there’s where you are afraid
Tu n'as pas mal là où je pense !
You have thought poorly of what I think!

Qu'est-ce qu´elle veut cette conasse
What else does she wants
Le beurre ou l'argent du beurre
The butter or butter money
Que tu vives ou que tu meurs ?
whether you live or you die

Faut qu'elle crève de bonheur
Is necessary that she takes happiness coldly
Ou qu'elle change de godasses
Or that she wrinkles change her
Faut qu'elle croule sous les fleurs
Is necessary that she collapses under the flowers
Change de couleur...
Change colour…
Je vais jouer au docteur
I will play doctor

Dites moi que fout la science
Say me that screws the science
A quand ce pont entre nos panses ?
To when this bridge between our lives
Si tu as mal là où t'as peur
If you are bad there’s where you are afraid
Tu n'as pas mal là où je chante !
You have thought poorly of what I think!

this is my best translation i can do of this song, and i guess it really speaks a thousand words to me. i want to be able to do that, even though i've caused the pain. but that is my only wish right now. to Right some wrongs, and let things be healed. its not a love song. its one that gives another hope for a better tomorrow

Sunday, October 21, 2007

1 mth and Six days. it makes for about 6 weeks.

things i've learnt as a result of this particular break up.

If someone promises you something, why do I associate that they’re irresponsible, they don’t care or they left me stranded, they always do this

Ppl have to deal with their own fears and own frustrations. Ppl need some feeling of positive meanings, not negative. Maybe I overload her with too many request, car accident, critical things that she has to deal with, maybe she’s doing something for me.

If I do that its bad, how I treat this person, will lead them to not want to associate with me. I lose the juice of the relationship.

Most people beat themselves up over things like that, why make them feel bad about it? A relationship is cultivation, not one that disassociate and reminding yourself of another person.

I have to lose the emotional scars, or at least start a clean slate with a person. Now does not associate with THEN.

To assume is an attack. It injures the relationship. Things may just be the way things are. A cigar is just a cigar. (sigment freud)

Relationship is about unity, its how we help each other, not how we punish each other (Jachin has done that by blowing up and throwing tandrums enough times at her, BECAUSE I ASSUMED)

I keep trying to be right about things, and that is not about love. People are human and make mistakes.

Negative reinforcement is what I’ve done wrong, I scream and I get unhappy when something is not done the way I want to. No one in the world responds to negative reinforcement. (that’s why my relationship failed) if you give a positive reinforcement, people respond better, for example, she always wants me to go to bed with her, I should be happy about it and tell her that I appreciate that she wants me to go to bed with her at the same time.

Life is not about doing what you have to do. Its about relationships, no success nor necessity is needed, if u cld spend 1 good hr then its all u need. And ur life wld be a success.

Purpose of a relationship : to share, to care, communicate, learn, to know, to understand, to experience things. To magnify the human experience.

When another person is happy, u’re happy! There’s a third power! 1+1 = 3

Most of us don’t know what we want.

The direct proportion of your relationship is the amount you can share with the person
Harmony is about the most important thing, the secret is how you get there, you live with them you associate with them in everyway possible. Relate to each other

And all of this, i've not been doing..... Can u imagine that? i held back so much because i associated with pain and different feelings when i was together with her. Not that she wld actually care to hear me out now. but these are the little things, which i realised about myself.

confused and hurt and misunderstood are the least of my worries this break up, its my inability to be a team player for her.

Let's hope whomever comes along, i do not repeat these STUPID mistakes and cherish and share with another person, in EVERY POSSIBLE way.

Friday, October 19, 2007

a simple story

there were two people who were both unhappy in a relationship and they broke up. one went irrational at circumstances, the other learned that hatred for another helps to ease the pain.

I keep asking myself questions why and how come it ended this way? Is it really because of communication break down or maybe its something else. Did she always think that I was not the one for her? A thought of my unheard voice, its surprisingly simple I guess. Take the best opportunity you get to make the most of it. They call this somewhat an opportunistic view. It matters a great deal to people who think of it as a surprising comment made by democrats, for example, the simple fact that Al Gore won 22 states by a land slide, but a recount made him lose the presidential elections. Because by an opportunistic view of things ensured that we as humand beings only succeed when a question of doubt arises.

We see ourselves always as the victim of a situation, unsurprisingly we all make sure that its us who are the victims to our friends, family and loved ones. The simplicity of asking yourself what could I have done to better the situation. Is it because we ourselves do not understand such vague matters and do not question ourselves deep enough to see what’s really wrong?

I for one fall under such a category and it’s a beautiful thing I guess. Its one that doesn’t want answers nor more questions. Its different at the end of the day, because its not as simple as we all want. We just want to be new and happy in our lives. Nothing more nothing less we take pride in who we can become not in who we want to be for someone.

The most important thing of all, is knowing your mistakes and not knowing what to do at this point in time, is draining me. I want to be able in the same room with her, without feeling the way I do. I will start maybe this Saturday at a party, but we’ll see how it goes. I’ve been strong the last few days.

I just wish there was another way to mend a friendship, other than the usual routine of always having doubt when it comes to the other party. I don’t know. It’s a hard thing for me to move on, it always has. But one thing this lesson in life has taught me, is that I have a life, with my friends. Who indifferently as they are, all love the company of a good friend. Its nothing special, nothing magical, but something awesome enough for me to comprehend.

I’m no longer angry at the fact that I cannot fix this, nor try to make everything better. I’m finally happy where I am, single and happy, if you asked me this about six weeks ago. I wld have broken down completely and not be able to talk to you. Now I can say this and finally smile. Because if I was to meet another girl, I will not make the mistake of rushing into it anymore. People are more beautiful when they can keep to their word and truly cherish a friendship, no matter what circumstance.

Monday, October 15, 2007

indigenous music


video

the amazing thing about them is that their history, culture, and music is so refreshing. it has so much depth yet its so simple. wish i knew how to live their lifestyle. thank you cherie for introducing such a large subculture to me. i am eternally grateful.

something local aye?

a friend did the animation for this ad! damn its pretty cool

http://s100.photobucket.com/albums/m10/leebola/?action=view&current=5e0f4e64.flv

5 stages of a break up

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Rejection
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance

my friend who told me this isn't even sure its in the right order. but i guess its true. first you deny that u've even broke up and desperately cling on to the hope of wanting to get back. then u're angry at the fact the person broke up with you. (which i have done so, stupidly and unwillingly) thirdly, there's the rejection where you're fed up with the person and don't want to hear see or talk to the person. (which i think i'm probably am in that stage right now) and lastly there's depression, feeling sorry for yourself because you know it didn't work out no matter how much u tried. (which is evident in my case right now) and finally being able to accept that its happened and for good reason(waiting for that day to come, although i see it lingering already)

so when does the healing start? after i finish my depression? u got to be kidding me, i'm a mellow depressive person, it takes YEARS to get out of my state. it took me some time before this ex girlfriend, cld even pull me out of that state to start dating. I don't want another person to pull me out of it and break my heart again?

Drama drama drama..... why can't we all be friends, shake hands, hug each other, forgive and love everyone for what they are. But ppl have emotions and anger seems to come to mind when you think of another's deeds. i too am guilty of that. we always ask ourselves as human beings why the other person is so unfair or selfish? but in truth, we are all guilty of doing the same. like how i wanted or rather needed to have someone to rely on when things went wrong. so i turned to her, that was selfish of me too. how cld i bother someone else with my problems? ppl say that's what friends are for. but its probably not the best option considering when someone hates you, u don't go pleading to them. dumb jachin dumb dumb dumb.

well, at least i now know that acceptance is around the corner and i can finally be done with all this. hopefully she can be civil towards me and our friends don't have to suffer, because of her intent of not wanting to see me.

they say when u've been with somebody, u're never the same. people change that way, you either walk away scared for life or a better person. the choice is always yours to make and how you eventually deem what's important to you will always show itself in mysterious ways.

little wonders

have you ever seen the light of day?
have you ever been in love?
have you ever tried to touch the sky?
have you ever wandered why life is so?

the little wonders in your life
doesn't seem to appear before you
the little wonders in your life
only you can see for yourself
the little wonders in your life
only matter to you and only you

Do we walk this earth alone?
Do we breath only air?
Do we want more than life?
Do we wish for the unattainable?

the little wonders in your life
is that no one understands you
the little wonders in your life
are the things you comprehend
the little wonders in your life
are hated by others but not you

We try as humans to live?
We try as humans to love?
We try as humans to forget?
We try as humans to lie?

the little wonders in your life
has no meaning to anyone
the little wonders in your life
is when you stop trying
the little wonders in your life
is when you stop breathing
There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard, No song that I could sing But I can try for your heart, Our dreams, and they are made out of real things, Like a shoebox of photographs, With sepiatone loving,Love is the answer At least for most of the questions in my heart ,Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy,And sometimes life can be deceiving, I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together MMM, it's always better when we're together Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together Well, it's always better when we're together Yeah, it's always better when we're together And all of these moments Just might find their way into my dreams tonight But I know that they'll be gone, When the morning light sings And brings new things,But tomorrow night you see That they'll be gone too, Too many things I have to do, But if all of these dreams might find their way Into my day to day scene I'll be under the impression, I was somewhere in-between With only two, Just me and you Not so many things we got to do, Or places we got to be We'll sit beneath the mango tree now Yeah, it's always better when we're together MMM, We're somewhere in-between together Well, it's always better when we're together Yeah, it's always better when we're together Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm I believe in memories They look so, so pretty when I sleep Hey now, and when, and when I wake up, You look so pretty sleeping next to me But there is not enough time, And there is no, no song I could sing And there is no combination of words I could say But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

this is a complete lie! musicians put this in our head and makes us wonder whether its all true. how many times have you actually been save by someone's saving grace or actual unconditional love? its a lie, i'm sorry but its true. the more miserable u feel, the more u know u're alive. all that romance, lasts only when someone doesn't have size M shorts, or Red twenties, instead of your oakley minutes. its a sad truth out there, people hurt other people for their own benefit. don't you love this world? the lies and mistakes u made in ur life somehow isn't worth another person's heart. Satan's world they call it, i couldn't agree one bit more. lie when you have to, don't lie to make yourself feel better.