A T O N M E N T
I sit here wondering for the last two weeks since i lasted contacted her, i wonder and keep wondering why i cannot have her forgiveness? is it because i have not been honest with her all this while? the lies that built up from simple white lies, not wanting to quarrel and cause further damage. I can tell you now, its all Wrong. Honesty is the best policy, and i cannot agree more and cannot stress more that what was wrong is that i was not honest. i cld use the excuse of a weak personality trait, or that i lacked self confidence in a conflict, or that i feared to lose her. But fact is You've already lost them, the moment you opened your big fat mouth to say that little white lie.
I was wrong to think that a little love, a little honesty, a little something, can make things better? when the clearest way to a person's heart was none other than being who you TRUELY are. and not what you're made out to be? Regret? Hell yeah, that's what i feel. Atonment does not come easy, one states that its the satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends. another version of it is Amends or reparation made for an injury or wrong; expiation. None of it is easy. but i've started a new life, one with footsteps and every step gets more painful and more painful. i walk away from the loved ones i once had, and i am trying to build this little fortress where i am single, and do not want to see anybody for awhile.
For before atonement can happen, i have to change myself from somewhat of a pathological liar when it comes to conflicts and difficult issues. or worse still, my ever famous, "don't even address the subject, and make it about you screwing up". it has to go. i've learnt it the hardway, and i am doing the best i can right now. somehow, at e end of the day? its just not enough.
for flesh is weak, and hope is murder. (goethe) but i believe in faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (paul) there's a slight difference. and let's see where that ends up. Atonement and forgiveness, two things people rarely give and rarely see.