Act of Random Kindness = ARK

A T O N M E N T

2007-11-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

For as my conscience does accuse me, I aver that I am a criminal.

I sit here wondering for the last two weeks since i lasted contacted her, i wonder and keep wondering why i cannot have her forgiveness? is it because i have not been honest with her all this while? the lies that built up from simple white lies, not wanting to quarrel and cause further damage. I can tell you now, its all Wrong. Honesty is the best policy, and i cannot agree more and cannot stress more that what was wrong is that i was not honest. i cld use the excuse of a weak personality trait, or that i lacked self confidence in a conflict, or that i feared to lose her. But fact is You've already lost them, the moment you opened your big fat mouth to say that little white lie.

I was wrong to think that a little love, a little honesty, a little something, can make things better? when the clearest way to a person's heart was none other than being who you TRUELY are. and not what you're made out to be? Regret? Hell yeah, that's what i feel. Atonment does not come easy, one states that its the satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends. another version of it is Amends or reparation made for an injury or wrong; expiation. None of it is easy. but i've started a new life, one with footsteps and every step gets more painful and more painful. i walk away from the loved ones i once had, and i am trying to build this little fortress where i am single, and do not want to see anybody for awhile.

For before atonement can happen, i have to change myself from somewhat of a pathological liar when it comes to conflicts and difficult issues. or worse still, my ever famous, "don't even address the subject, and make it about you screwing up". it has to go. i've learnt it the hardway, and i am doing the best i can right now. somehow, at e end of the day? its just not enough.

for flesh is weak, and hope is murder. (goethe) but i believe in faith. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (paul) there's a slight difference. and let's see where that ends up. Atonement and forgiveness, two things people rarely give and rarely see.

No One

2007-11-03T03:54:00.000-07:00

Collapsing was much softer
Still falling always hurt
Only after sensing your love
For always ever burned

You justified my folly
My affluent disguise
Removed revealing nothing
Yet nothing unforgiven lies
Unforgiven lies

No one loves me like you
No one loves me the way you do
No one loves me like you
No one loves me the way, the way that you do

To touch the rose unfearful
Is to meet the thorn
And pierce the hearts emotion
And feel the emptiness no more
Emptiness no more

Took some time to realize Ive fallen

Portrait of an apology

2007-10-30T06:59:00.001-07:00

Look what Ive done, this picture Ive painted
It looks like my heart, or what still remains
Convinced of the weight, your interpretations
Are not what I see, I wish they could be
I remember it much redder
I remember it much brighter

Can you stay for a while, try to imagine this
Could you be for a while, I cant remember it
Could you fall for a while, I cant escape from this

Ill try to explain, the way that the frame
Doesnt quite fit the image, or surround the edge
It stands on display, what do you see?
Behold all the new grey, whats become of the old me
I remember it much redder
I remember it much brighter

Can you stay for a while, try to imagine this
Could you be for a while, I cant remember it
Could you fall for a while, I cant escape from this

Calling, crying, ashamed of what I am not
Really failing, falling into this cage
And I cant escape, I cant escape
Look what Ive done, this picture Ive painted
Doesnt quite fit,or surround the edge
I remember it much redder
I remember it much brighter

Can you stay for a while, try to imagine this
Could you be for a while, I cant remember it
Could you fall for a while, I cant escape from this
I cant escape, I cant escape, I cant escape

Ta Douleur (Your Pain)

2007-10-24T02:55:00.000-07:00

Lève toi c'est décidé
Get up you that is settled
Laisse-moi te remplacer
Leave me to replace you
Je vais prendre ta douleur
I will take your pain

Doucement sans faire de bruit
Gently without noise
Comme on réveille la pluie
As one awakened by rain
Je vais prendre ta douleur
I will take your pain

Elle lutte elle se débat
She fights and debates with herself
Mais ne résistera pas
But will not withstand trying again
Je vais bloquer l'ascenseur...
I will block the elevator
Saboter l'interrupteur
Sabotage the switch

Mais c'est qui cette incrustée
But this is inlaid(plan)
Cet orage avant l'été
This storm before the summer
Sale chipie de petite soeur ?
Dirty cow of small sister?(French insult)

Je vais tout lui confisquer
I will confiscate all from him
Ses fléchettes et son sifflet
his darts and his sifflet
Je vais lui donner la fessée...
I will give him spanking
La virer de la récrée
To turn it on him and recreate the pain

Mais c'est qui cette héritière
But this is their heiress
Qui se baigne qui se terre
Who itself bathes that itself in earth
Dans l'eau tiède de tes reins ?
In the tepid water of your kidneys?

Je vais la priver de dessert
I will deprive it of dessert
Lui faire mordre la poussière
Let him bite dust
De tous ceux qui n'ont plus rien...
for all those that no longer have nothing
De tous ceux qui n'ont plus faim
for all those that no longer have hunger

Dites moi que fout la science
Say me that screws the science
A quand ce pont entre nos panses ?
To when this bridge between our lives
Si tu as mal là où t'as peur
If you are bad there’s where you are afraid
Tu n'as pas mal là où je pense !
You have thought poorly of what I think!

Qu'est-ce qu´elle veut cette conasse
What else does she wants
Le beurre ou l'argent du beurre
The butter or butter money
Que tu vives ou que tu meurs ?
whether you live or you die

Faut qu'elle crève de bonheur
Is necessary that she takes happiness coldly
Ou qu'elle change de godasses
Or that she wrinkles change her
Faut qu'elle croule sous les fleurs
Is necessary that she collapses under the flowers
Change de couleur...
Change colour…
Je vais jouer au docteur
I will play doctor

Dites moi que fout la science
Say me that screws the science
A quand ce pont entre nos panses ?
To when this bridge between our lives
Si tu as mal là où t'as peur
If you are bad there’s where you are afraid
Tu n'as pas mal là où je chante !
You have thought poorly of what I think!

this is my best translation i can do of this song, and i guess it really speaks a thousand words to me. i want to be able to do that, even though i've caused the pain. but that is my only wish right now. to Right some wrongs, and let things be healed. its not a love song. its one that gives another hope for a better tomorrow

1 mth and Six days. it makes for about 6 weeks.

2007-10-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

things i've learnt as a result of this particular break up.

If someone promises you something, why do I associate that they’re irresponsible, they don’t care or they left me stranded, they always do this

Ppl have to deal with their own fears and own frustrations. Ppl need some feeling of positive meanings, not negative. Maybe I overload her with too many request, car accident, critical things that she has to deal with, maybe she’s doing something for me.

If I do that its bad, how I treat this person, will lead them to not want to associate with me. I lose the juice of the relationship.

Most people beat themselves up over things like that, why make them feel bad about it? A relationship is cultivation, not one that disassociate and reminding yourself of another person.

I have to lose the emotional scars, or at least start a clean slate with a person. Now does not associate with THEN.

To assume is an attack. It injures the relationship. Things may just be the way things are. A cigar is just a cigar. (sigment freud)

Relationship is about unity, its how we help each other, not how we punish each other (Jachin has done that by blowing up and throwing tandrums enough times at her, BECAUSE I ASSUMED)

I keep trying to be right about things, and that is not about love. People are human and make mistakes.

Negative reinforcement is what I’ve done wrong, I scream and I get unhappy when something is not done the way I want to. No one in the world responds to negative reinforcement. (that’s why my relationship failed) if you give a positive reinforcement, people respond better, for example, she always wants me to go to bed with her, I should be happy about it and tell her that I appreciate that she wants me to go to bed with her at the same time.

Life is not about doing what you have to do. Its about relationships, no success nor necessity is needed, if u cld spend 1 good hr then its all u need. And ur life wld be a success.

Purpose of a relationship : to share, to care, communicate, learn, to know, to understand, to experience things. To magnify the human experience.

When another person is happy, u’re happy! There’s a third power! 1+1 = 3

Most of us don’t know what we want.

The direct proportion of your relationship is the amount you can share with the person
Harmony is about the most important thing, the secret is how you get there, you live with them you associate with them in everyway possible. Relate to each other

And all of this, i've not been doing..... Can u imagine that? i held back so much because i associated with pain and different feelings when i was together with her. Not that she wld actually care to hear me out now. but these are the little things, which i realised about myself.

confused and hurt and misunderstood are the least of my worries this break up, its my inability to be a team player for her.

Let's hope whomever comes along, i do not repeat these STUPID mistakes and cherish and share with another person, in EVERY POSSIBLE way.

a simple story

2007-10-19T04:08:00.000-07:00

there were two people who were both unhappy in a relationship and they broke up. one went irrational at circumstances, the other learned that hatred for another helps to ease the pain.

I keep asking myself questions why and how come it ended this way? Is it really because of communication break down or maybe its something else. Did she always think that I was not the one for her? A thought of my unheard voice, its surprisingly simple I guess. Take the best opportunity you get to make the most of it. They call this somewhat an opportunistic view. It matters a great deal to people who think of it as a surprising comment made by democrats, for example, the simple fact that Al Gore won 22 states by a land slide, but a recount made him lose the presidential elections. Because by an opportunistic view of things ensured that we as humand beings only succeed when a question of doubt arises.

We see ourselves always as the victim of a situation, unsurprisingly we all make sure that its us who are the victims to our friends, family and loved ones. The simplicity of asking yourself what could I have done to better the situation. Is it because we ourselves do not understand such vague matters and do not question ourselves deep enough to see what’s really wrong?

I for one fall under such a category and it’s a beautiful thing I guess. Its one that doesn’t want answers nor more questions. Its different at the end of the day, because its not as simple as we all want. We just want to be new and happy in our lives. Nothing more nothing less we take pride in who we can become not in who we want to be for someone.

The most important thing of all, is knowing your mistakes and not knowing what to do at this point in time, is draining me. I want to be able in the same room with her, without feeling the way I do. I will start maybe this Saturday at a party, but we’ll see how it goes. I’ve been strong the last few days.

I just wish there was another way to mend a friendship, other than the usual routine of always having doubt when it comes to the other party. I don’t know. It’s a hard thing for me to move on, it always has. But one thing this lesson in life has taught me, is that I have a life, with my friends. Who indifferently as they are, all love the company of a good friend. Its nothing special, nothing magical, but something awesome enough for me to comprehend.

I’m no longer angry at the fact that I cannot fix this, nor try to make everything better. I’m finally happy where I am, single and happy, if you asked me this about six weeks ago. I wld have broken down completely and not be able to talk to you. Now I can say this and finally smile. Because if I was to meet another girl, I will not make the mistake of rushing into it anymore. People are more beautiful when they can keep to their word and truly cherish a friendship, no matter what circumstance.

indigenous music

2007-10-15T10:52:00.005-07:00

the amazing thing about them is that their history, culture, and music is so refreshing. it has so much depth yet its so simple. wish i knew how to live their lifestyle. thank you cherie for introducing such a large subculture to me. i am eternally grateful.

something local aye?

2007-10-15T10:52:00.004-07:00

a friend did the animation for this ad! damn its pretty cool

http://s100.photobucket.com/albums/m10/leebola/?action=view&current=5e0f4e64.flv

5 stages of a break up

2007-10-15T10:52:00.003-07:00

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Rejection
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance

my friend who told me this isn't even sure its in the right order. but i guess its true. first you deny that u've even broke up and desperately cling on to the hope of wanting to get back. then u're angry at the fact the person broke up with you. (which i have done so, stupidly and unwillingly) thirdly, there's the rejection where you're fed up with the person and don't want to hear see or talk to the person. (which i think i'm probably am in that stage right now) and lastly there's depression, feeling sorry for yourself because you know it didn't work out no matter how much u tried. (which is evident in my case right now) and finally being able to accept that its happened and for good reason(waiting for that day to come, although i see it lingering already)

so when does the healing start? after i finish my depression? u got to be kidding me, i'm a mellow depressive person, it takes YEARS to get out of my state. it took me some time before this ex girlfriend, cld even pull me out of that state to start dating. I don't want another person to pull me out of it and break my heart again?

Drama drama drama..... why can't we all be friends, shake hands, hug each other, forgive and love everyone for what they are. But ppl have emotions and anger seems to come to mind when you think of another's deeds. i too am guilty of that. we always ask ourselves as human beings why the other person is so unfair or selfish? but in truth, we are all guilty of doing the same. like how i wanted or rather needed to have someone to rely on when things went wrong. so i turned to her, that was selfish of me too. how cld i bother someone else with my problems? ppl say that's what friends are for. but its probably not the best option considering when someone hates you, u don't go pleading to them. dumb jachin dumb dumb dumb.

well, at least i now know that acceptance is around the corner and i can finally be done with all this. hopefully she can be civil towards me and our friends don't have to suffer, because of her intent of not wanting to see me.

they say when u've been with somebody, u're never the same. people change that way, you either walk away scared for life or a better person. the choice is always yours to make and how you eventually deem what's important to you will always show itself in mysterious ways.

little wonders

2007-10-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

have you ever seen the light of day?
have you ever been in love?
have you ever tried to touch the sky?
have you ever wandered why life is so?

the little wonders in your life
doesn't seem to appear before you
the little wonders in your life
only you can see for yourself
the little wonders in your life
only matter to you and only you

Do we walk this earth alone?
Do we breath only air?
Do we want more than life?
Do we wish for the unattainable?

the little wonders in your life
is that no one understands you
the little wonders in your life
are the things you comprehend
the little wonders in your life
are hated by others but not you

We try as humans to live?
We try as humans to love?
We try as humans to forget?
We try as humans to lie?

the little wonders in your life
has no meaning to anyone
the little wonders in your life
is when you stop trying
the little wonders in your life
is when you stop breathing

2007-10-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard, No song that I could sing But I can try for your heart, Our dreams, and they are made out of real things, Like a shoebox of photographs, With sepiatone loving,Love is the answer At least for most of the questions in my heart ,Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy,And sometimes life can be deceiving, I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together MMM, it's always better when we're together Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together Well, it's always better when we're together Yeah, it's always better when we're together And all of these moments Just might find their way into my dreams tonight But I know that they'll be gone, When the morning light sings And brings new things,But tomorrow night you see That they'll be gone too, Too many things I have to do, But if all of these dreams might find their way Into my day to day scene I'll be under the impression, I was somewhere in-between With only two, Just me and you Not so many things we got to do, Or places we got to be We'll sit beneath the mango tree now Yeah, it's always better when we're together MMM, We're somewhere in-between together Well, it's always better when we're together Yeah, it's always better when we're together Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm I believe in memories They look so, so pretty when I sleep Hey now, and when, and when I wake up, You look so pretty sleeping next to me But there is not enough time, And there is no, no song I could sing And there is no combination of words I could say But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

this is a complete lie! musicians put this in our head and makes us wonder whether its all true. how many times have you actually been save by someone's saving grace or actual unconditional love? its a lie, i'm sorry but its true. the more miserable u feel, the more u know u're alive. all that romance, lasts only when someone doesn't have size M shorts, or Red twenties, instead of your oakley minutes. its a sad truth out there, people hurt other people for their own benefit. don't you love this world? the lies and mistakes u made in ur life somehow isn't worth another person's heart. Satan's world they call it, i couldn't agree one bit more. lie when you have to, don't lie to make yourself feel better.

what if

2007-10-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

what if i've been wrong? what if this was my one chance to shine as an individual? have i totally lost all hope in human kind? have i lost everything in myself to know that i'm nothing anymore? maybe so, but now i've learnt to pick myself up. step by step, i'll be whole again, not with anybody's help but my own. i'm suppose to be a guy, and build this wonderful world that i'm suppose to support someone.

i have done nothing at all. i scream i shout, i fail at life itself. i'm the mistake, the biggest one mistake someone can make. i guess, there's no way in the world that i can fix something that's broken. its like you never can find that spare part you need. its just a waste, a total waste of time, effort and feelings.

why do i torment myself when it means so little to the other? i guess i have to work out who i am define myself and learn to be a new human being all over again. ppl who love me support me through all this time, its difficult, its hard, its grey, its cold, its sickly, and its tiresome. yet they carry me on arms that are unmistakably one of true kinship and friendship. Yet the one i love, leaves me dry on my feet, not a tear shed, not a feeling exposed. she's stronger than me, i have no qualms or doubts about it. she's better than me. and till the day, where i can be stronger than her. i know i am not a complete person.

no one completes you, maybe God puts u in his splitting image. but he doesn't complete you, life completes you. take in all the hurt, misery, suffering and keep all those good memories of What if and maybe one day you can see where i am standing. here, with a couple of good mates, who love you for who you are, and not what you are to them.

new beggining

2007-09-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

i realise after being able to talk to a few peopl openly about my situation, a few things. i should not be talking to cherie at all. i've been wrong to ask for help from someone i think dearly off, simply because she does not love me in that way and cannot provide her support, because she has to deal with it in her own way.

blinded by my overwhelmness of my situation, i went straight to her thinking that she may help me out of this predicament. the right to talk to someone, is reserve not by you as a person reaching out to another, its one where the other person gives. finally understand now. sure i hope for a better future, but thinking and sitting arnd, quoting myself on the things i've said before has made me realise a few mistakes in my relationship, what cld i have done better and more of what i lacked mostly.

i was use to the idea that i cld be open with her, but as time passed and misunderstandings grew from just surface high to skin deep. i realise that i did not address anything i felt towards her in the past few mths. i always took the idea that asking her abt how i feel to be offensive towards her. My mistake really, and it lead to a whole bunch of communication break downs. maybe i should have handled it better, but this may sound mean, it takes two to clap and that cannot be the only reason why this relationship has failed.

another thing i realised is that when it came to being responsible and ready for a commitment, i did not see sacrifices that were willing. one instance displayed it really well, i think she and a friend wanted to go out and drink. I had work to do that day and i was already not feeling well, (low and behold i didn't tell her i wasn't feeling well) i insisted that she hv some fun. only to cost me $230 of dry cleaning in my car, because she had a little "accident" in it. sacrifices shld be made willingly, and unasked. i see now where it was already headed. ready to take a plunge with someone is one that need no explainations and the want to spend time with the person. some people cld see it, but i was too blind to see it. she was not ready for graduating, not was she ready to settle down with someone like me. it seems a little clearer, of course all this is from my side of the story, and i CANNOT assume she was thinking of it in this way.

don't get me wrong, i appreciate her very much. she was always there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on (which ppl who know me well enough know, i CRY ALOT) hahaha! set backs of knowing a particular jachin tan. she admits to mistakes of mine, when its not hers. especially when i'm overly high strung, or overly emotional or worse oversensitive towards things. it was the most amazing quality of hers again. to be able to put my emotions first, instead of hers. i hope i am as lucky as to meet someone like that in my future. its not everyday u meet someone who can connect with you on that level which u can honestly cherish.

so yes, the great news is that i am able to count on people once again. it took unkindly words and effort on her part to push me in that direction. but i say it was just one of her ways of working things out. i still want her as a friend, but she needs to get over things in her own time. or maybe realise the things she's already done to me may have been blown out of proportion, or misunderstood. i urge you of course, cherie. to look deeper and try to understand what i was going through that weekend. some stuff may not be true abt rumours and such. i was a fool to believe ppl, but more circumstances showed me otherwise till i cld actually hear it from culprit himself. so many things left unsaid, so many things left unresolved. i just hope, this time u take will help u reflect or neglect what's important to you eventually. i cherish u alot still through the bickering and harsh words and what more. but mostly, i know that u're not the sort of person u've displayed so far. i know cherie so much more than that. and not giving you the required space i guess was my mistake. and is STILL my mistake. i will not tell the rest of the world, what happened that lead me up to such an overemotional state, and i'm sure u've heard it enough from me, to realise something, even though u do not remember anything.

i just wish one day, not too long in the future, we can settle this and either talk abt it, or be what they call a silent breakup. one that cuts off all ties and friendship and ends up being misunderstood all arnd. i just hope that never happens. but i understand this, its entirely your choice and u already know my intention to talk to you. i count the days, one by one and hopefully i'll be able to see a brighter future with or without u. its one that i know, mistakes have been made, and its either i learn from it and fix it, or learn from it and find myself one who appreciates me for who i am. its not gonna be easy, nothing is easy in life i guess. but its one i have to learn and move forward from.

if anyone else is reading this, please understand that this is what i think. its not what cherie thinks. because what she thinks is for her to know and not for me to find out till she deems it a gift for me or maybe my right to. but still its still her thoughts and i cannot reflect any of hers in what i write, because that wld be assumption and i am scared to do so. there's a difference between me writing this and she reading and understanding it. so here goes, jachin's left in australia to conquer whatever he can do left without his significant other. without any thing more than himself. miss you malie and angel. my poor kids who had to have live this out so soon after being brought into this world. i really do.

why do u have to be so cold

2007-09-27T08:11:00.001-07:00

i know i've done wrong. i know i screwed up. but must u really punish me this way? i can think of myself only at the moment, because u reveal nothing to me. i only asked why they have to come to me, and you say why should i know? its just a question but one that u've turned it against me.

stop hurting me already. stop it. i cannot take this anymore, the scars run deeper and deeper each day. do i deserve this? why is it so that when u give everything to a person, you're bound to be hurt by that one person? has god forsaken me for all the wrong i've done? is he that unjust? u've taken my dignity, my being and what's left of my pride and thrown it out the window, i cannot exist as a person nor function as one.

i care because i am weak, i love because i am weak. u're too strong for that to do either. its a painful painful world out there, u've opened my eyes and stop sheltering me. u've become the one person in my life, that i do not recognise. i've lost my girlfriend, my bestfriend and my lover all in one blow. worst, i've lost someone i trust entirely, i was a fool for giving up what i love for whom i love. a fool to believe that i cld make a better life for you and for me. a fool to believe that u cld be earnest with your feelings. i shld have listened to u the first time u broke my heart, i shld have said No to u. but i fell in love all over again with you and now look where i am now. look what i've become. look what i have left. i am truely nothing once again. left here to rot and be unappreciated for being me. silly silly jachin, u truely are a fool to have believed that she was the one person who u end up with for the rest of your life. U truely are a fool.

questions in mind

2007-09-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

someone said to me today the wisest thing in the world. the wat into a woman's heart is to ask her what she wants and do everything you can to give it to her. even if its space. i don't know whether that applies to everyone though. i just hope it does.

struggling today..... mind going crazy thinking. i guess i have to stop it. i'm vulnerable now to panic attacks and being jealous over what i don't know. prone shld be the word. i guess giving space to someone is much harder than i thought it is. hard to suddenly change from knowing the person's every waking move, to not knowing anything at all. why do humans want so much knowledge. its a curse, leaves u going in circles and leaves u tired from thinking.

Cooking and baking have become my two favourite hobbies, poor daddy's credit card. its getting a bashing because i have the urge to cook and bake now. it tires my body physically. which i guess is a good thing. tomorrow i shall try to pump my body with endorphines, maybe work out a little and kill myself on the threadmill or do some weights till i entirely expire. i was here abt one and a half years back. here i am again, lonely, thinking, wondering, hoping and most of all in pain of knowing there's nothing to look forward to. Plans, all crushed by one simple action. how i wish it was otherwise, how i wish for something better.

dealing

2007-09-20T11:09:00.001-07:00

i guess after being so upset for this week. i realise the gravity of the situation. i would have to say bye to a loved one. i guess time has to stand and see someone walk away from you. its not a profound assent but it's lefe me with a few things for me to think about. and in this surprising short time, i'm sort of glad this happened.

Living in someone's shadow and not being independant is the worse thing you can do. its been long enough that i seeked only her approval and not one of my family and my friends. sure everyone may not agree with me. but a bigger poll is better than a single poll. opinions are best when shared and collectively assessed. I was kinda of silly to think that one person could bare the weight of another. In so many books you read that u're wife is suppose to be your bestfriend, your lover and your soulmate. i have experienced enough now, that i've come to realise your wife can only be one of two. either your lover and your bestfriend, your bestfriend and your soulmate, or your lover and your soulmate. u truely cannot have all three put into one, you would like to postulate that. but i'm quite sure now, i'm a little wiser in the situation.

certain self realisations have come to hand. I'm a hot tempered, over sensitive and stubborn boy, and due to this combination of "talents" i become an irrational and insensitive person. never use to think that, maybe time has moulded me into someone like that due to notoriety and neglect of family values and/or better influences to start with. we cannot, because of one self blame another party because all the decisions you make in life, are based solely on your ownself. therefore, there's no reason for me to blame this on anyone else but me. but i assure you that its not gonna happen again, sure i may falter from the original idea, but i have to put a concious check on myself to make sure i can be better for my friends, loved ones and my family. i'm sad that i didn't realise this earlier. i guess its part of growing up.

long dreary and self proclaiming thoughts are filled here in my blog. so much unsaid stuff when i was with my partner, i've come to realise that if i cld be normal, maybe i wouldn't need this outlet, sadly, i tell people stuff but not enough usually to draw your own conclusions. you can call me half an architect if you want. but that is my talent, to make u think of me instead of you. its a selfish skill, truely it shld be bound from my existence. but i've come to realise that someone will appreciate me for who i am. and i have nothing to worry about, because she'll eventually want to know what's in my head and i wouldn't have to build wall after wall of secrets to protect myself eventually when i break up, because first and foremost in a relationship comes the simplicity of trust. One bit in the other and one bit for the relationship. is it so hard to believe?

i guess all i've been saying is that someone will appreciate me for who i am. i just wished i cld have made it clearer to my partner back then, instead of changing for her, i shld have tried to make her accept me for who i am. change shld come only when both parties are willing to come to common grd. not when one decides to change because of another. somehow, i think i lost part of who i really was while trying to do that and instead of changing into someone i wanted to be to her, i became someone entirely different b'cos it wasn't who i was and dealing w that bit just simply destroyed me in the end.

don't get me wrong, i'm still upset at the whole situation. i'm flustered with nihilism. but there still lies a guy who wld rather much be back with his exgirlfriend. because to me, she already was the one, but what i did to myself was inexcusable and horrid. i guess i have to wait and see, but one from such a distance that her smooth warm touch will be no where to be seen, but instead a sheet of clear kavela seperates us. i do hope my love will come back one day again, for hers is one of beauty, warmth and tenderness, one which i trusted the most in my entire life to share secrets beyond all my boundaries. But for now, jachin's realise what normality means and can finally enjoy this by himself.

2007-09-20T05:48:00.001-07:00

suicide methods, with the drawbacks of each:

Slitting your wrists
This one simply doesn't work. I've never, ever heard of a person successfully killing himself this way. It's extremely painful and by the time you get to doing the second cut the sight of your own blood spurting everywhere sends upalarm bells that you find yourself desperately dailing for an ambulance while splattering plasma all over the phone. It's the ultimate in self-aware suicide in that not only can you see yourself dying in vivid splashes of red, but you can feel it. i personally cannot do it.

Shooting yourself
Contrary to popular belief, shooting yourself - even with a shotgun - is not a surefire way to die. i mean seriously, u can miss. More than half of the attempted gun suicides wake up in the hospital, missing a chunk of their brain and usually mute and wheelchair-bound for the rest of their lives.

Overdose
People think one is the most painless, taking dozens of pain pills or whatever, but your body tends to wait until you're unconscious and then vomits them back up. This leaves you alive, sleeping in a puddle of puke, next to your suicide note which, absent a corresponding suicide, will just sound gay. Obviously not the way to go.

Hanging
What often happens is the neck is broken and you're left to dangle for 30 minutes, twitching and clawing at the rope. Or, the noose breaks and you plunge to the floor, often with a severed upper spinal cord that leaves you a paraplegic. This is the last way I would ever try to do it.

Throwing yourself in front of a speeding train or car
Obviously this is the worst possible method, as it forces someone else to commit murder against their will. something like out of the movie SAW, i mean seriously its SICK way to kill urself and u leave a guy with the poor charge of manslaughter.

jumping out of a building
God, perth is so damn short. and even if i drop head first what if i don't die and become a parplegic. or retarded and then someone has to look after me. or worse, land on someone and then i survive and kill that person.

shit, i can't think of anything else. God damn it! Italian author Dante Alighieri, who 700 years ago took a trip through Hell and then wrote an unreadable book about it. i mean this is a true account of hell frm a catholic's perspective, i mean seriously...... its no shit..... the lowest is the guy/s who had jesus killed(NO QUESTIONS THERE), murders, liars & backstabbers and then suicide. its way fucked up.

somehow i don't think i have to guts to do it still. i hope never.

can't take it anymore

2007-09-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

have u ever wondered why the cosmos are so unfair to u. I can't believe it. i just cannot believe it. its like they say, how low can this world be. seriously speaking. can someone tell me why when u hear bad news, u have to be part of that bad news eventually? i can't freaking believe it. and after u become bad news. there's more shit to it. and it gathers up like a lump of shit.

look into ur toilet bowl when u take a crap....... that pile of disgusting brown/beige/greenish stuff? that's me right now. and no matter what u do it? its still shit, u cannot recycle it, or make any use of it. sure there's butane to be processed and can be one day use as fuel. but seriously speaking, its just shit. its gross and lumpy and eeky. no one wants anything to do with it. it can't tell u what it feels like to be shit. it simply is. i wait for one day where they can actually use shit to be a biofuel, a proper one. maybe then. they can make some good out of bad news.

bad things happen to people, i get it. doesn't matter if u're a good person, or a bad person. its bad is just bad. it transcends race, gender, wealth, nationality and etc. u can't get out of it because we live in the moment. it just happens. i guess they weren't kidding when they say when shit happens, it happens....... and it gets worse. something like when shit hits the fan. i can't bloody believe it. this world seriously hates me for all the wrong i'm doing or something.

i just wish someone knew me well enough. anybody. maybe one day one day, someone can actually ask me what's wrong with me and make me open up to them. till that day, i wish all this wld blow away and the earth cld swallow me up n so i can't THINK for a moment.

Credence

2007-09-17T03:48:00.003-07:00

have u ever in ur life thought that its time to share something that turns out to be everything with a person? i have but time and time again, i make the same stupid mistake. why open up to a person and be vulnerable at all? why bother falling in love? why? it a stupid silly mistake.

i made that stupid mistake enough times, and this time. i've learnt that they can promise u the world and so much more, but lies are lies and a better future is just a sham. I hate it i absolutely hate it, trusting a person enough to fall for them. thank u for the lesson, when there is emotion or an opening, people will hurt u. People take into account that their own feelings are more important than others. and we never recover frm it. NEVER.

i did it once with my ex, i did it again. and look where i've ended up. I hate it. i hate the one who started turning me into someone this vial, and till today the seed of poison runs through my veins. i shld have stopped when i was 15. she never hurt me, she ended it without doing so, but she's the one person who never hurt me at all. Regret and regress i guess. so jachin, just crawl into ur stupid hole and realise that u're going to never be able to have credence within another person.

facades

2007-09-17T03:48:00.002-07:00

when u love some one, when do u say enough is enough? the only answer is never, for when u love someone, u make peace and try at it. well i got HELL bad news for YOU! Love is conditional, that's the bottom line. Its got limits. God lied to me! he did! be-attitudes, that they preach? ALL a Lie! they say faith gives us hope. well, faith isn't powerful enough and hope just kills! ( i got that frm someone). basically, i've lived this whole life in a facade.

I've been taught and i've learnt all these things For NOTHING! it feels like i've been betrayed by my own moral aptitudes. I get it if both parties are unwilling to fix it. i get it if there's someone else. i get it if someone's being entirely stubborn and totally a dickhead. then sure, there's no reason that love shld cover these things. after all, its the world that hates us, and not us hating the world.

Love is a torment i've felt now. after so many obsticles, i've fought through, aft so many issues, its all just a facade. For Love cannot be accompanied by faith nor hope. its under conditional circumstances. I hate u, he who defined the word love. For that powerful word like love, has its limitations.

Lament

2007-09-17T03:48:00.001-07:00

to lament is the inarguable feeling of morning, feel or express sorrow and the inevitable regret of it all.

i guess this one word explains all that i can feel right now. lamentation, if there is such a word. pretenses aside, i wish to be in the arms of warmth and true happiness. i've lost that to silly squables and irrevocable harm on another. like i said, to be left here wandering the world alone seems an awful awful place, will God grace me with this one more chance to make a better change in my life and the other's. time will tell, but time tears people apart too and voids can be filled. unless, true longing takes places for a unperturbable heart, yours truely. lament i shall, and maybe just maybe i can make it all better for u and for me.

a new start?

2007-09-17T03:48:00.000-07:00

i know i said i wouldn't blog anymore.

How is it that we as people do not think before executing action? i really wonder why. i do not know what to do nor what to say when i get angry or upset at a person. All i want to do is leave immediately, especially when i try calmly to talk to a person properly. i just don't know how to control emotion? is this a real problem? one that needs psychiatric response? or is it because i just don't care about the person.

I sit here and wonder and think, ponder as u may say. the true meaning of exploding, i can only define it as an explosion of unrestricted capacity to cause bodily damage. I for one, do not want to cause bodily damage. but somehow, i think now, that its not that the bodily damage that affects me, its the emotional bit. Some may think of me as a softie, or someone oversensitive to things, but i cannot see otherwise. i wish i cld respond differently to emotion. i become a sad sob, crying and wailing and being ineffective when such anxiety hits.

i realise finally its not because i don't care abt the person, this person in particular, i love, i cherish, i want to share everything with that person. i can't say that its anything other than a pure longing for her attention that leads more than infatuation. this person, completes my being. i know it sounds cheesy, but when i'm with this person, i feel like nothing matters except her opinion on the matter, doesn't matter what a 100 people say, or even your beloved parents. what matters most is that she approves, is it that shocking to have known someone as special as that? i was graced with that inexplicable joy of knowing this person. yet, when i think now, i get upset because its all over. a foolish reation, one of disasterous proportion and amptitude larger than what holds onto the normal barrier. u stupid stupid boy, jachin. u stupid idiot.

how cld u throw away the one thing that still mattered to u? u've done it again. turn something pure into something no different than a disaster. i just wish and pray and pray that u can fix this one day. this person knows what she wants and when a mind is made up, i'm quite sure it takes nothing short of a miracle to change things.

therefore, the one i call God has to take control of this. because, i myself cannot turn the tide here, its too big for my own destiny to decide. its one that hope kills with and people get discourage. i pray and pray night and night till the day i can truely redeem myself to this person and then maybe, just maybe i can have a fresh new start and make this one person that matters most to me, FINALLY HAPPY. its like my dad always says, u can never change the past, but u can build a better future, i just hope it doesn't only apply to school and results.

Blog = BAD NEWS

2007-08-03T13:32:00.001-07:00

i've figured that i'm an emotional person and it seems that i shld stop writing blogs. so today i announce my retirement. its not easy to have a blog. always having to explain myself about the things i write. its tiring, and today it seems i've upset somebody. and hence and so forth, i will announce to my retirement of writing blogs as of today. its no fun, when u cannot express yourself freely, i write because i want to, i write what's in my head. it doesn't necessarily have to apply to every aspect of my life, just certain parts. but i stop writing, because i've hurt the most important person to me. and that to me is a crime big enough to stop writing for good. so BYE BYE writing world. i'm just gonna stick to my accounting from now on!

Things I miss

2007-08-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Things people miss, its odd but its a reality in truth.
1. Putting ur Loved One to Bed.
2. Arguing about the most idiotic things.
3. Listening to your loved one Bitch abt another
4. Simply Listening to another person, rattle off and talk.
5. Getting scolded for having no Darn reaction to what they say.
6. Being Right for Once
7. actually someone who actually listens to what you have to say.
8. Having your loved one be your best friend
9. Being Close to Someone again
10. Being Given Respect

Weird how some stuff u wish never happened, and some stuff u always want consistency in. Its So Weird! i hate it, but its true

ever felt?

2007-08-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

Ever felt that u were only half the man u were suppose to be? ever wonder what wld happen if u just looked beyond the ordinary. i don't know, i keep waking up and thinking maybe today i'll be greater, today things will change. The procrastination of it all is that we're human. Dreams are this whole link missing from our lives, and no i'm not talking about those dreams that you have when u're asleep. but those u have for your life. if its so important to us, why do we keep letting ourselves down when it boils down to it.

Some say it might be you being lazy. some say that we dare not get out of the comfort zone. i say its a mixture of not knowing exactly what to hope for. Its this whole image where you can see, but can't connect the dots. to me its scary, call me "asian" and conservative. But that's what i see. its like going to bed, and dreaming, when u wake up u remember the end and you have no idea how that dream led up to it, u feel confused and frustrated trying to remember the other parts.

Basically, maybe i'm not what i am suppose to be when people look at me, or when people look deeper than skin deep. Am i suppose to be a shining star? prince charming or something better? i have no clue, its a mystery to me. i just wish i knew what to expect and what to become.

ever wondered?

2007-05-03T03:40:00.000-07:00

ever wondered how would life turn out if you took a step back before you made a decision? or if how things would have worked out differently? we expect too much out of life honestly to be able to be truely satisfied with our decisions. funny aye? its like taking a step into the water, and regretting that you're foot is wet. something along that line. its so dumb! but we still think if things were different maybe we would be "less wet" or maybe we "should be all wet". its so weird, i wish some scientist could explain cause and effect better than simply the inbetween process being only a meer word called "reaction".

maybe just maybe, we are suppose to view things as how they are? being unhappy and unsatisfied about the world isn't such a bad thing. Think about it? that's why we now recycle and have this whole new "free Hugs" campaign. its because under the realisation that cause and effect can work to our advantage. But how about in a personel level? hmmmmm, if i wasn't studying accounting and property, would i truely be happy with being a cook and having no time to myself? i'm sitting here wondering and i can't make a decision. Sure i love to cook, but could i seriously do it for the REST of my life? to me its like a hobby, not really something i will ultimately enjoy as a job? or will i! ahhhh there i go again. i can't put my finger on things, maybe its inate in me to be a indecisive person. But i would sure like to think that i made the right decisions in life that leads me back here to where i am. where i am still asking question about myself. hmmmmm is there really a better outcome? or is it something within you that you think is important but at the realistic view of things. it might not be. i guess the age old question comes back into thought, is the grass truely greener on the other side? oh well, time will tell.

in exactly two mths, i will be travelling the lights of europe and enjoying the european lifestyle.i am kinda happy but dread the money i'm gonna spend. But hey, who doesn't like a holiday? i know i do!

perplexity

2007-04-06T13:40:00.001-07:00

i am worried for the first time in my life for something that doesn't concern me. its been more than ten days now. and its definative by itself that it will not happen. there is an apprehension when it comes to this issue as its sensitive nature has turned its ugly head to be one of sacred passage. its one that has its own ideals by itself and moral contributions towards such an epic disclosure that one may not comprehend the perplexity of the situation. my ideas and intuition serve nothing but starvation of the soul and lost of ability to comprehend such graphic details that one may consider it a mystery or worse an adverse preferance to the degree of pleasure uncertain and unpowered by the heterosexual individuals. am i at a lost or does it seem to be one of confusion or frustration? i wish i cld answer the questions in my heads, but that assumption alone will lead to somewhat a indifferent objectiveness that even an individual may not be able to comprehend. the perplexity of it all is that i am lost at this point, lost in translation, lost not only in words but worse emotions that runs deeper than deep seeded thoughts of dismay. i miss it so much, the closeness of knowing someone's inner self, i miss desire. i dread the days now, each step each moment, for one love does not conquer all, its the misappropriation of the word that leads to dreadful events. yet its actions speak so much louder than words. the actions of one's love is even more powerful than love itself, it speaks so much of a higher better place, that one can only be lost to its power. i have once felt that, but today i lay in solitude in dread of the days ahead, not knowing that the power of actions can or will one day speak to me again. Dreaded be the words of the unspoken, dreaded be the curse of the infectionate being, dreaded be i at the lost of a worthier cause.

Delirium

2007-04-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

the dictionary states this as:
1.
Pathology. a more or less temporary disorder of the mental faculties, as in fevers, disturbances of consciousness, or intoxication, characterized by restlessness, excitement, delusions, hallucinations, etc.
2.
a state of violent excitement or emotion.

its something i don't usually have but of recently, i do have this sort of disorder of mental inhibition to provide logical logic when it comes to certain situations.

Am i all that kooky, that there's a mental state to describe my wellbeing, emotionally? its actually a fact of two states. the reason being that i have expectations and responsibilities to another and the other doesn't seem to share the same. i am upset at my emotional well being, being so volatile and uncertain it sort of scares me to think otherwise in most situations and circumstances. i am upset that there are things more important to people than caring and sharing. do i think i am being unfair? absolutely, its a disposition that i am. do we truely behave or treat people the same way you expect them to treat you? seriously speaking, how often do we actually treat people the same way as they did? are there special unsaid rules that people should know about when it comes to another individual? ABSOLUTELY. but its not for them to decifer nor is it for them to liberate about. its up to the other individual to act upon and know what to do. there's a saying, "think fast, Act Now". if there's deliberation you need to have with yourself, are you truely putting yourself and choosing a point where its convenience is prior, against the more difficult option, are you truely caring about another person, or is it that you will but at a more convenient time? i would say that the hardest thing to do is to inconvenient yourself for another, but it also is the most beautiful gift you can give another, especially in a time of need or desolation.

to know that someone out there does care to that much a degree that convenience and aptitude to oneself is foregone, then you truely know how deeply a person cares for you. and that to me that action alone is the most beautiful and divine benevolence you can give a person you truely love. idealist i might be, but i am glad to say that i will always do that for the other, no matter what the cost of my actions are or were. how deep does your love truely run withing your veins for another? skin is only surface but what lies beneath is the true beauty of the affection.

BACK TO SKOOL!

2007-03-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

its the NEW SEMESTER! i'm trying to get into the swing of stuff, school costs have gone up. damn it and even guild feels more expensive. its suppose to be cheap, i'm a freaking student. damn australia and their inflation rates. they have this new policy in curtin that requires me to hand in my assignments (homework) every week for two modules. its such a headache, i'm gonna start panicking... i don't think i have time to work now. considering i have two days off only and will be spending the other two days doing homework. how interesting aye? this is horrible,i need the money desperately but i think i would have to just live on allowances. bad aye?

missing my parents like crazy although they make me run errants and stuff for them. i miss mommy's cooking and daddy's company. you never realise how much you love your parents till you live on your own honestly. can't wait to see them. but they're busy with their grand children. i know, they are adorable. wish i had pics for everyone to see my adorable two angels. (or maybe not angels exactly) UPDATE! my second sister celine is pregnant and the baby should be popping out in september. in the lunar calendar, she/he is gonna be born in the year of the PIG! just like me! hahahahaha! i hope she/he doesn't turn out anything like me. -fingers crossed- its a boring friday arvo with nothing to do. waiting for cherie to wake up and i thought i spend sometime updating my blog.

i do miss a couple of people back home in singapore. strangely enough as much as i despise what andre did, i do miss his company. but seriously, principles are principles to me and what's done is done and he doesn't want to rectify stuff. so i've gotta buck up and say bye to him. Sam is the one i don't understand the most. he says he wants to meet me, fine i screwed up once with him but seriously, he could put in a little more effort. oh well! lauren on the other hand is someone i don't really get till today. but time will tell aye? i must thank john, although he's super busy with his girlfriend and school, he still made time to meet up. you can say that its almost nice that someone like him, still cares enough to meet up. kelly and sana are my two little angels in singapore, i love them to bits. but yea, that's a wrap.

it sucks coming back here to australia and not having the same company. Mette, Justin, Dave, Thomas, Alex, Guri and gang. all gone! poof! back to their home countries. its kinda sad not having them arnd. its a bugger and i don't like it one bit. i got two new housemates. Jan and Dag, they're a dream and i love them to bits although JAN NEEDS TO CLEAN UP MORE! but but but, he did yesterday and i must say a pretty darn good job on his part. i'm sure i have to take up the broom and vacuum cleaner real soon.

so i guess that's it.... i don't think i shld continue, or i might already put everyone to sleep. new start to school, hopefully i'll get good enough grades this semester. -cross fingers-

Snow! the Worlds white wonder!

2007-01-07T15:16:00.001-08:00

its been awesome these couple of days. i haven't been so happy being cold in my life. picked up snowboarding now, level 5 beginners, i don't know what that actually means. but the lessons were awesome, i'm running and slip sliding all over green hills(which are really just moutains for the easy peasy ppl like me) and its awesome! i don't have pictures of all this wonder, but hopefully next year i can make another trip to this icey wonder! doing little 180 jumps, riding on my tail like a freaking surfer, crashing at like 40 km/h and just going wild, riping up fresh powder. i haven't had so much fun learning a sport since, rock climbing and rugby. i love it....

snow was falling everywhere, like the most snow whistler has ever seen in 50 years. rather, since the resorts started popping up in bristish columbia. three metres of powder on the mountain. and every morning fresh powder was up to 6 inches. it was awesome! so white! i have no point in telling you guys about this. i need to post pictures! give me a week, they should be up and hopefully u can enjoy them better that way.

I miss you sweetie! coming back in five days. yes!

cold cold cold!

2006-12-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

this is the first time in God knows when, where i'm going to be spending new year's away from home. its abit saddening to be here when i know that i should be home. yet this whole, cold and warm fireplace, feels kinda nostalgic. wandering and wandering what my friends in their own countries are doing.... justin and dave, just south east from where i am, freezing their butts off? the norweigian crew, dag, marita, mette, guri, bjorn, annette, anne, the list goes on. all freezing aye? oh well, what's one to do then. i don't actually have anything to write about vancouver, considering its just been shit boring and i've spent the last 24 hrs in bed in the last 48 hrs. you do the math, its a hell alot of sleep. even for me!

the new years is almost coming, and i wanna start a clean clean new sheet to this coming 2007. i can't find a better way to start it by apologizing to all the people i've offended over 2006 and 2005. so slowly and surely, hopefully by the end of 2007 some miracles will hapen and everything would be forgiven. i have heaps of people to apologize to and hell more to strike peace with. never thought i could offend or make so many people angry. maybe going to perth was my little escape to run away from all these obsticles. but i shall make a promise to myself that i will change that. its gonna take time, but hopefully at the end of this new year. i will have made enough peace with everyone.

i guess time will be still the best measure for everything once again. i bore myself with this pundering morsh shit. but its my only option, time to forgive and time to try once again. i'll see the rest of you real soon. and here i shall stop and stop boring you guys with my boring words.

a fruitful yield

2006-12-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

its a wonder how time passes and your friends fade after so long. its a sad thing to say to people whom you've grown accustomed to and now having time passed and things happen to say good bye to them is probably the hardest thing, we all have to do. friends in singapore have different eyes for me now,i apologise for outburst of any sorts, and now i begin starting a new life in australia. here are some moments in time which i have to say good bye to. the ones in australia have grown dearly to me. each and everyone of them hold special regard and special feelings for me. words do not do justice so i'll just show you pictures. its been an awesome 6 mths with you guys.

so many memories and stuff that i'll treasure. i'll see some of you next year, some i will not. but i thank you guys for such a wonderful time.

lychee beer! AWESOME!

2006-08-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

i had the most wonderful beer recently, its a unique taste. its lychee beer! with real lychee in it! my God! it's awesome, emu export and toohey's have come out with this beer. its just beautiful, taste like beer with the fruitest twist right at the end. leaves ur mouth just watering for more, after ur first sip. i cld so get use to this drink. -sigh- sadly its not available in singapore. i'm sorta sad that australia has such a unique taste that even an asian fruit can be made into a "indigenious" drink to australia. but WOW! wish i cld share it with u guys.....

like an animal, everyone has a habitat

2006-08-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

its been well over three weeks since school has started. its beginning to have its ups and downs. the presentations to get my mere 10-20% of my grades have already started. i decided against my lack of knowledge to take all the first presentations, hoping that the bar n standard of presenting questions and answers to my four modules in the big word namely being UNIVERSITY, won't be too difficult. but we'll just see how it goes. i'm not presenting first on any, but i am usually second up to present on the "first days" of presentation.

i've got four whole modules, Accounting Information systems; macro economics; property investment analysis and property/land law. let me just say this, property/land law is the hardest module to learn, simply because i don't understand the necessities of tenure and native title, which are very foreign to me, even though i come from a british colony, but its never occured to me that there are so many freaking sections for tenure and estates, damn soverignity! and native title? who the hell cares!!!! work for ur freaking land, pay the money and produce the money to own your own freaking land, don't make it because its ur borne right! Rights! ahhhh! let's not go there!

australia is not that bad, WA has its beauties. for example, its not that cold here, it has a great diversity of people, much like singapore, its multicultural ability to cohabitat all races is quite impressive. i haven't seen any body calling me a cuk, or a chink! thank god! pretty much glad that its been so far so good. i might just be able to finish my degree without throwing a chair at my dean! hahaha! for those who already knew.

the life and times of jachin. well, let's see........ i'm hanging out with a generic crowd of norweigians, germans, americans, australians and asians. its quite a good balance if you ask me. met two soccer fanatic girls, quite pretty i must say. sadly ze german is going after one! haha! best of luck dude! americans crack me up, i have two male counterparts who are kooky and hellalot of fun. its really quite interesting and heaps of joy just kicking back and cracking jokes. but i must say, i've never seen SO MANY NORWEIGIANS IN MYLIFE! i made a great friend, namely jan, pronunced yan. he's way cool abit of an eccentric flirt, narcissitic and definately loves to be cheeky. but i love him to bits, he's just a joy to be arnd. full of shit, and way too talktative. haha! awww.. let;s hope i didn;t offend him. but yea! i'm enjoying life staying on campus, but don't like the convenience of having my own appartment. sadly. oh well, one can't have everything. but its a great experience i must say. although, i got flat inspections tomorrow. SCARY! hahahaha.... okay enuff abt commenting abt my new friends. we're going down south sometime soon, we'll see how it goes. bet it'll be a blast!

so here i am, living on my own, paid entirely by my parents. and i can say i am a lucky man! okay, maybe so a boy! its awesome! i love being a student. can't hardly wait to enjoy life in general and kick back and relax. but first, i gotta put in the effort for studies and hopefully i won't screw it up like i did my diploma back home in sg. i just hope all turns out well, get a good job and etc. life can be sweet when u work hard and play hard. i just hope the benefits are great! Thanks to my DAD! i really am blessed with a dad that lets me do so much on his budget for me. i couldn't ask for more. okay i could, but i know i have it way great already. coming back in less than two weeks. i miss my sg friends. u guys are irreplacable! REMEMBER THAT! PLS! haha! ciaos!

the little comforts in life

2006-07-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

jachin has a tendency to disappoint ppl who loves him. i agree i haven't been on my best behaviour, alcohol truely changes oneself. i become an over zealous person who wants to know everybody in sight. guess somethings nv do change.

since coming here, i've not talked to much ppl back home. i guess, its the whole concept that i'm starting a new life here and leaving people behind. Don't get me wrong, it isn't how it goes. but i sincerely do apologize for not being a "friend" to my friends back home.

Life's pretty good and awesome here. there are parties every week and drinking pretty much consists of all night activity. i'm glad i still have that special someone always in my mind who steers me to make sure i don't get out of hand. last night, i had too much to drink as usual and made a complete ass of myself. i don't think anyone likes me when i'm that smashed. so far, i've met aussies to sri lankians, americans, germans, norweigians, canadians. its pretty awesome. they're heaps friendly and they love just hanging out and drinking, nothing special but the company's great.

school starts in a couple of days, gonna start reading my text books and unit outlines tomorrow just to catch up on school stuff... i probably am going to be dumb going back to school after army. so let's see how that goes. SAY HI to MUFFIN AND MAGNUM AND MILO! hahahaha u can't really see milo.... he was hiding behind magnum. but they're jeremy lee's dogs. and they're gorgeous, makes me miss larlinka even more. i finally see the importance of having a pet. its hard to survive here without a dog panting arnd or nudging ur hand for a stroke. yea, but muffin makes me feel loved. i love all dogs. okay, i'm just ranting..... i'll end here and stop ur boredem. ciao babes!

Angry ppl make funny ppl.

2006-07-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am angry at most anti-smokers! Not being able to smoke in some places I can see, such as a restaurant. But when I can't smoke in a bar, that is just stupid. When was the last time anyone in a bar was bothered by smoke? If they are that damn worried about their health, don't drink! I know the anti-smokers will say 'No, it is for the bartenders.' Come on! When was the last time a bartender wanted someone to put out their cigarette or cigar? If a bartender asked me that, I would just laugh assuming he was joking. Another place...airports! On the planes, no smoking I can understand. But in the actual airport? What the hell? Do you not think the jets put out 100000 times more toxins than my cigarette? Anyone, Hitler was an anti-smoker. He was intolerant, and so are anti-smokers!
irritable says:
Time for a cigarette, bye!

FRM: www.angry.net

how awesome is that!!!! i love every bit of this! hahaha!

semester orientation

2006-07-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

I've missed my first class already.... suppose to have orientation seminar for international students. i went to aber Dean with jeremy last night and a couple of friends. FUCK! i got smashed! not really, but i had abt 5 bottled drinks and a pint or two.....(shhhh) and i cldn't wake up this morning. i finally heard my handphone alarm go off at 11.25am. when i was suppose to be up at 8.10! i'm the best! seriously! i pray to god that this doesn't happen again. better make sure i don't drink at night, especially before i have to go to school at 9 in the morning. the great thing abt school is that i start my week on a monday and end on a thursday, which means i have friday off! and thursday i have only one class from 11-12 and monday i start at 2 in the arvo. so hopefully i don't screw myself over.

let's see, i've made a couple of acquaintances in Kurrajong village and found a couple of NOT BAD places to eat. Chinese food of course, just incase i miss Singaporean food. haha! haven't found something wonderfully yummy yet though that's not ASIAN! quite bored and sick of eating asian food quite frankly. but all is good! life is not too bad. haven't made any friends at orientation though, and considering i'm going into second year. i don't see the potential of me making more friends in "class". -sigh- the sad spoils of life. what's one to do. oh well!

MISSING late nights with the guys and just hanging at starbucks and having my killer coffee.... eating at 3 am in the morning. playing squash, rugby and talking utter CACK! hahaha! miss u guys heaps and i'll see whomever wants to see me when i'm back for six days in august. gonna be back for my dad's 60th birthday. i heard its gonna be a blast! woo hooo! can't hardly wait.

i miss u!

2006-07-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

i want my larlinka with me now!!!! i miss her so much! i miss her stinky breath and her nudging. -sigh- why didn't i bring u along with me? u would be so loved by me. instead u're at home all alone, i hope mommy and daddy play with you. u poor darling. i miss u so much! i neeed a doggy lick and a hug from u! my popiah, my sausage roll, my lovely baby girl. i miss u so so very much so. -big squeeeze-

here's a pic of my mother and her new love, my car. so sad right? haha! i miss u mommy!

settling in!

2006-07-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

oh my god!!! i have to tell everybody this. i have a flat mate called MANGO! i'm serious..... at first, i saw her label her fridge shelves as MANGO. so i thought, how stupid, why wld anyone tell me that u're suppose to put mangos only on those shelves. then i realize, like a day later, my house mate's name is MANGO! and she's from CHINA!!! shhhhh... hahaha! okay, let's not be mean, i'm sure she has a perfectly great explaination why her name is actually mango.

anyway, if ppl want to write to me. u can do so by sending mail to me via post at

George James House

maybe i shouldn't give out my address...... i just realise how stupid that is.

its not that hard and letters and parcels are VERY WELCOMED! heh!
If u want my mobile number its on my msn already.
i live in a room 10 feet by 6 feet, haven't actually measured it, but it feels only that big. i share a toilet with KOH, my malaysian toilet mate. and i share a kitchen with another five ppl. of which..... i've only seen 2 other than my toilet mate. i LIVE WITH ASIANS. WHEN THEY COOK, U CAN DIE! apparently in china and srilanka and indonesia and malaysia, they don't use ventiliators and they TOTALLY STINK UP THE ENTIRE HOUSE! can die one u know.
so far, i haven't attempted to cook for myself, because its such a chore. i spend normal 30 dollars a day feeding myself. and its not cheap living here. i can safely say so. i don't think my daddy's 1200 will come in handy at all. its just not enough, not counting the bills nor the petrol expenses. scary! MONDAY, enrollment starts. waking up before eight and getting to the enrollment scheme thingy at 8.45 is not gonna be an easy task i'm pretty sure about that. kinda scared of failure now. don't wanna repeat my poly results in university.

Rugby, i know many ppl expect me to start playing rugby here. but i'm gonna wait till i have school going on to start rugby to see whether i can handle the work load. hell, i haven't even been to the gym since i left singapore. i'm lazier in australia, and so is everybody. met a couple of aussie ppl, lauren, adrienne, joe, cam, kate. met a singaporean dude, who's been a darling, edwin. another malaysian dude, john. and a maurician girl, val(something) i cannot remember. heh! sorry! i'm sure it'll come to me pretty soon. Living sort of a campus life now. kinda cool and kinda preppy if u ask me. i like life here, but its hella boring. Singapore has much more to do when it comes to after hours. but i do enjoy the weather the company and the food here alot better. comes at a cheaper price for my palete. oh well, basically, i don't know how well i'm settled into perth till school really starts. its been a relaxing 3 weeks in australia, nothing too rushed or nothing has to be push to completion in one day. thankfully. i'm glad i came so early. heh! i'm a slow worker but a rushed completor. u know what i mean.

okay, so basically, write to me my friends. if u don't have the time, jsut come onto msn and talk to me. i'm bored. heh! a desperate call for help. miss u guys and take care

the brand new!

2006-07-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

HELLO EVERYBODY!!!!! i'm settled in australia, living in a living stone dead area..... hahaha! just for your info this is my new CAR!!!! YES ITS a MINI! its actually a mini cooper chilli, i've got the works chrome interiors, electric blue paint job, sunroof, step-tronic and trip-tronic. i can't believe my dad actually bought this car for me.there's nothing much happening for now, i start enrollment on the 17th. this coming monday and its awesome. sadly, i already scratched the front bumper, the bottom side when i was parking two days ago! i love my new car, i love the campus, but its deafeningly quiet now. quick ppl! come visit..... hahahahaha! i miss you guys so much...... especially ..... i better not mention especially's. its just bad..... i won't display favouritism. love ya guys, and i hope to hear from ya soon

fIGHTING the bulge

2006-06-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

To fight the bulge, one of the hardest things known to the common man. surprisingly, i now understand why ppl lose weight after a "bad" relationship. No its not her fault, its not anybody's fault, But mine.

incredibly, i've come to terms with my weight recently, i'm slowly gaining it back. i'm scared of being a 105 and fighting with that weight is no easy task. i've been to the gym countless times, and maintaining it at 93 is no easy task. running, weight training, restraining from food(a huge huge craving for anything i want to eat, usually wins). its not easy at all, i pray to God to give me the strength to actually stop myself from eating too much and exercising more. with this new healthy outlook, i wish only to be able to lose abit more weight and maintain my size as, australia in the coming month will prove whether i can maintain this lifestyle. haha! i really hope i won't become lazy and stop being that fat kid anymore.

I want to lose weight, i want to look that tad better. heh! its true materialism sometimes, and most of the time is important. its the sad sad truth. oh well, i hope i'm not being too vain either. so to my friends, stop me from eating too much and ask me to exercise more pls pls pls? hahaha! u'll be greatly rewarded in heaven one day for making me skinnier, i'm quite sure of it. haha!

Communication is the Key

2006-05-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

the lack of communication is the milestone in lost friendships and relationships. its the key of picking up the phone or answering that sms. technology has presented us with the ability to communicate with each other so much easier, but is it really the lacking of courage or just inconvenience that discourages us from actually making that first move. i've come to conclusion that i hate conflict. i already know a person's mad at me and instead of calling and making the other party thrash it out on me, i wait for a reply to deem the lukewarmness or the anger of the other party. i'm disgusting that way i think.

i need to learn to talk to people, not be scared of conflict, i'm becoming my father's child. i'm afraid of being yelled at so i run and hide for that little bit. jachin jachin, u've turned into a terrible person. the longer u take to morph into that butterfly u try to be, the uglier a caterpillar u are. talking and communicating is the key to all friendships and relationships. Learn it well, you've pissed too many ppl off!

INTERNET DEMONS!

2006-05-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

FOR SOME QUEER REASON, SOMEONE has been able to hack into my computer and completely destroy my blog! jang jang jang! i am quite pissed off, the people at blogger says that there's no way to retrieve the blog anymore. someone or something has broken into my blog and deleted the whole thing, not by chance but by pure EVIL DOINGS! i can't even begin to find a word to explain these actions! i'm truely offended. whoever you are! i'm NOT HAPPY! but i guess someone will never admit to such hideous demonic actions. ROAR! ROAR ROAR ROAR~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know what to do nor say... so i'm going to use this same "URL" and start this new blog. Pls whoever u are! STAY AWAY FROM MY DASHBOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -snarl-